As my brain becomes more well the fragmented parts of ‘lost me’ are returning and with it, a reminder of the painful circumstances of why each left. All the memories flood me, like flashbacks of everything I’ve suppressed.
I have discovered recently that my inner child is a reflection of before, when the problems happened in my life, Before I lost my innocence. Before everything changed.
I lost my father when I was a child. At least the version of him I had in my mind. The dad that taught me to swim, the fun memories, the man I trusted… before he showed his true colours, or I became old enough to understand.
I’m an empath. I feel things. I feel emotions, exchanges between folks that are so slight. I see them. I see them every time. When I am ill, it flips to paranoia and I make guesses that are more to do with how I’m feeling inside that match to my fears or insecurities but most of the time my gut is nearly always right.
Today is Valentines day and it’s a two sided coin. Parts of me celebrate, parts of me enjoy the fact I have someone to share my life with when so many others do not. Other parts hurt.
I can list so many women that I have loved. A black book of lovers that I’ve cared for, shared my heart with and the heartache that comes with the loss of each.
This is my pattern.
Repeating loss & the past over and over. Trying to save an unhappy woman and failing at the end of it because it was the end of the cycle. Deep down I wanted them to be happy because then the pain in my chest would lessen and only when this eased would I be able to carry on thinking about myself.
My mother was hurting. The conflict and fighting that never eased, she didn’t seek resolve and neither did he but being the sensitive child I was I soaked up all her pain. More so because she felt she was hiding it. She wasn’t though, it was there for me to see, filling me up with her pain and confusing my growth, stunting my normality.
Seeping into every area of my life. At school I was sat with a therapist every week. Depression and grief at 14. Heartache and problems whirring around me. Loss, anger and sadness.
I left at 15, packed my items into black bags took a black taxi and got dropped off at a hostel, alone. I tried to do my A levels, 6th form but I was loosing grip on reality.
And so began my decade of submission.
They say when you are ready, you will see. Recently I have felt myself get better, evolving a bit more and I am finding the flashbacks and memories that are returning are in time with this.
I don’t feel ready for this, but it seems that it’s beginning to unravel. Maybe one day I’ll remember everything and process it all as an adult.
Today although precious has also been incredibly painful.
Let’s see how this rolls out.