Ive been having some deep thoughts again lately. Getting confused who is who inside my body. It’s come to light that that there are 3 parts to me. The vulnerable part of me is actually poorly me, when she comes out she is filled with grief and is non functioning. Motivated is well me and able to get through the day with some function. The other part is Katelyn.. A headspace I choose to go into.
She’s the part of me that I love. She’s innocent and beautiful, gentle and fun. Vulnerable and kind. Free from darkness. I disassociate or maybe I just truly enjoy to regress to a younger age. Some could say that maybe she is the vulnerable and broken part except when I am her, I feel joy. I feel belonging and love and I enjoy every minute of being her. But she is somewhere I go for choice.
Falling into poorly Kate is not and when she is present it cripples everything. I’m there now. Where I feel like I’m not quite in the driving seat. It’s difficult to think, process, like watching myself bumble along. I’ve been stressed, I smoke too much, it keeps me here, disassociated. It’s that quote that says we take comfort from the familiar, in our routines.
I know it will pass. It’s frustrating to be here and to wait for it to leave, for the positive feelings to return and to feel normal. To get my ass off the sofa and to not feel so stuck there.
I’ve been ill too, physically. Draining me even further and adding more frustrating. The parts inside me do feel like different people as they function from a completely different part of me and have their own individual levels of life tolerance.
My favourite is well me. It’s always a toss between hypo mania or just doing well. Constantly asking questions, examining myself, second guessing what could be causing how I feel. I like to feel well. Alive, and able to move forward. Those first few steps are magnificent but then I’m pinned back again, In fear of engaging in life again.
Petrified of it all happening again.
Up and down. Up up up.. Down down down.
… Then nothingness until something kick starts me off to feel in the driving seat again and the cycle begins again.
Does this even make sense?