You’ll think of me.

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It’s so strange when your life gets turned upside down. At first it felt foreign and alien. Hard to get to grips with as it’s been so long since I had to care about just me and not be part of a pair.

At first it was shared interests, shared dreams and then shared life. I feel like I lost my life partner and in that I’ve had to learn to walk a bit faster and in a more stable fashion alone.

Pregablin is my friend. It really gets me through the stressful days whilst I’m trying to work through all these changes. I’ve learned from many a journeys that acceptance is my friend. Nothing good ever happens when extending any form of denial.

I like to think Im more of a head on type of gal but to be honest I actually avoid most things in life. Emotionally though, I’m trying to tackle it head on for a change.

I don’t know what the future will hold for me but I’m learning not to be too afraid with what’s coming and let life happen.

I really can’t control life or much else except myself.

Time to work on that.

#Squishysays

#nothinglastsforever

All good things come to an end.

Sometimes in life things end. Situations out of your control; A sudden death, the ending of a relationship, the loss of a parent. The list goes on..

When this happens we think everything is going to end. The thing is, everything is ending as you know it. Change is coming. Everything as you knew it is about to be challenged and whether you like it or not you have to face what is ahead because this is what endings do. They force you to evaluate and reaccess. This is the painful part.

I’ve lost many people in my journey so far. I’ve experienced loss over and over again as a decade of running left a string of broken hearts behind but nothing prepares you for the loss of your life partner. When they choose to leave you and you had imagined forever. When your choice was them.

The sensation that everything in your house of theirs Is gone after they leave. The things you did together matter no more and the goals you both worked towards crumble as you separate and unpick all of the life you created together. Like none of it mattered anymore.

I’ll make it through, but right now it’s hard, it hurts and it feels unfair. There are stages of grief and I know I’m due to feel them all. This is something out of my control and for once I’m lifting my arms and I’m giving in to the intense fear of the unknown and hoping it carries me through to the end.

All good things come to an end.

I thought it was forever. 😦

#Squishysays

4 weeks in.

I’m doing alright. All things considered, I’m actually doing alright.

I seemed to sail through the first two weeks of the medication decrease. Probably waiting for my body and mind to catch up that a change is happening. From the first day of not taking it, I felt less sedated in the day and woke up seemingly more refreshed. A perceived rejection sent me spiralling into a bad place at the end of the week two. However with knowledge and talking it out I managed to overcome the trigger and climb back up to normal mood ready for week four. Getting faster and faster at catching these moments and rationalising them back to a balanced level. A week is probably my fastest turnaround.

I’ve had to take more Pregabalin to manage the feelings of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. I can definitely feel more. I’m incredibly empathetic to people at heart and this is showing more and when dealing with an emotionally tough situation I can feel the physical anxiety almost beat out my chest. My breath quickens and I almost pant. It’s difficult and so I slink away and try to calm the sensation of panic by using my breathing techniques. I don’t want to lose control when its’ me at the helm and not the safety of the antipsychotic. These things are at a manageable level.

I’m hoping that these moments of feeling overwhelmed will slowly become more manageable and easier to move through and get past. I’ve been on the drug Seroquel (quetiapine) for over a year and a half and so I do feel dependant on the safety that it provides. IT’s a very scary prospect trying to withdraw from it but I know that its’ time for this.

My breakdown a few years ago really set me up for a journey of education, psychology and pulling everything about me apart. I’ve delved so deep into the mechanics of my behaviour, intentions and explored my hugely dissasociative nature. My grief, my history, my parents, my upbringing, my relationships. The way I view the world, My life and the way I choose to lead my life and indulge in what I do. It changed everything for me and I’ve not been the same since.

Therapy has been the defining feature to my recovery. Being able to be safe and explore myself and also have 6 mirrors looking back at you to help you see. Group therapy for what its worth, is worth keeping with. We’ve had a few members come and go. It’s hard to be on that level, to have enough space between emotion and reaction to begin to pull apart behaviours and relationships to fully understand what we trigger from and why. Defenses are always up and barriers to breaking through a bad situation.

Triggers are apart of BPD. Rejection, abandonment, perceived or real. I suffer from them, albeit I have smashed apart my brain in order to make sense of the emotional instability I had raging inside of me.

So on Sunday, I’ll be into month 2 and hopefully, life will become more brighter, more colourful and a little easier. I’m trying to have hope, when usually I have none. I’m returning from the heap pile and proudly walking back along the road to myself.

Finally seeing that I’m important.
Finally seeing that I matter.
Finally seeing that I’m worth it…

…not worthless.
This is Me.

#squishysays
#mentalhealthmatters
#havefaith
#climbingup

 

I really should…

I really should write more on here. I spend more time thinking about writing than actually doing it. Mostly it’s due to my meds or at least that’s what I justify to myself but in reality it’s more likely to be because I’m stoned.

I’ve been working through a meds decrease. Its been scary, I freaked out last time.. It was timed badly, Christmas, and stress. Suffice to say it all went down hill from there and I went straight back up and increased, back to my safe zone.

This time I’ve changed the way I approached it. Discussed it with my support network and prepared before the day. I have an appointment a month from now and so I wanted to try again before I got there. Give me and my pysch something to talk about. I’m probably far too eager to get off the meds in all honesty.

So far I’m doing okay. The first two weeks were fab. I felt like the fog was lifted and I could slowly begin to feel more out of the numbness of medication. Occasionally feeling overwhelmed I managed quite positively and tried to maintain that attitude.

My third week has been rocky. I was triggered by a situation which started a meltdown. For days I felt such strong feelings of self loathing, feeling angry and finding it difficult to function. I hate it when I can’t move yet my brain keeps going and going and going. My anxiety reaction is freeze and it feels like I’m having a meltdown inside.

Being able to name the process to understand what the trigger is about takes the power out of it. Deciphering a trigger whilst it’s happening helps turn it around faster. After recognising these things and talking it out, it begins to unravel and that feeling of being back in reality returns.

Back In control.

Now I’m heading to the end of week three and I am feeling better and more lifted and less sensitive to life. I’m hoping that I begin to even out from here on in.

I can’t wait to feel alive again.

#squishysays

#love&peace