4 weeks in.

I’m doing alright. All things considered, I’m actually doing alright.

I seemed to sail through the first two weeks of the medication decrease. Probably waiting for my body and mind to catch up that a change is happening. From the first day of not taking it, I felt less sedated in the day and woke up seemingly more refreshed. A perceived rejection sent me spiralling into a bad place at the end of the week two. However with knowledge and talking it out I managed to overcome the trigger and climb back up to normal mood ready for week four. Getting faster and faster at catching these moments and rationalising them back to a balanced level. A week is probably my fastest turnaround.

I’ve had to take more Pregabalin to manage the feelings of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. I can definitely feel more. I’m incredibly empathetic to people at heart and this is showing more and when dealing with an emotionally tough situation I can feel the physical anxiety almost beat out my chest. My breath quickens and I almost pant. It’s difficult and so I slink away and try to calm the sensation of panic by using my breathing techniques. I don’t want to lose control when its’ me at the helm and not the safety of the antipsychotic. These things are at a manageable level.

I’m hoping that these moments of feeling overwhelmed will slowly become more manageable and easier to move through and get past. I’ve been on the drug Seroquel (quetiapine) for over a year and a half and so I do feel dependant on the safety that it provides. IT’s a very scary prospect trying to withdraw from it but I know that its’ time for this.

My breakdown a few years ago really set me up for a journey of education, psychology and pulling everything about me apart. I’ve delved so deep into the mechanics of my behaviour, intentions and explored my hugely dissasociative nature. My grief, my history, my parents, my upbringing, my relationships. The way I view the world, My life and the way I choose to lead my life and indulge in what I do. It changed everything for me and I’ve not been the same since.

Therapy has been the defining feature to my recovery. Being able to be safe and explore myself and also have 6 mirrors looking back at you to help you see. Group therapy for what its worth, is worth keeping with. We’ve had a few members come and go. It’s hard to be on that level, to have enough space between emotion and reaction to begin to pull apart behaviours and relationships to fully understand what we trigger from and why. Defenses are always up and barriers to breaking through a bad situation.

Triggers are apart of BPD. Rejection, abandonment, perceived or real. I suffer from them, albeit I have smashed apart my brain in order to make sense of the emotional instability I had raging inside of me.

So on Sunday, I’ll be into month 2 and hopefully, life will become more brighter, more colourful and a little easier. I’m trying to have hope, when usually I have none. I’m returning from the heap pile and proudly walking back along the road to myself.

Finally seeing that I’m important.
Finally seeing that I matter.
Finally seeing that I’m worth it…

…not worthless.
This is Me.

#squishysays
#mentalhealthmatters
#havefaith
#climbingup

 

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I really should…

I really should write more on here. I spend more time thinking about writing than actually doing it. Mostly it’s due to my meds or at least that’s what I justify to myself but in reality it’s more likely to be because I’m stoned.

I’ve been working through a meds decrease. Its been scary, I freaked out last time.. It was timed badly, Christmas, and stress. Suffice to say it all went down hill from there and I went straight back up and increased, back to my safe zone.

This time I’ve changed the way I approached it. Discussed it with my support network and prepared before the day. I have an appointment a month from now and so I wanted to try again before I got there. Give me and my pysch something to talk about. I’m probably far too eager to get off the meds in all honesty.

So far I’m doing okay. The first two weeks were fab. I felt like the fog was lifted and I could slowly begin to feel more out of the numbness of medication. Occasionally feeling overwhelmed I managed quite positively and tried to maintain that attitude.

My third week has been rocky. I was triggered by a situation which started a meltdown. For days I felt such strong feelings of self loathing, feeling angry and finding it difficult to function. I hate it when I can’t move yet my brain keeps going and going and going. My anxiety reaction is freeze and it feels like I’m having a meltdown inside.

Being able to name the process to understand what the trigger is about takes the power out of it. Deciphering a trigger whilst it’s happening helps turn it around faster. After recognising these things and talking it out, it begins to unravel and that feeling of being back in reality returns.

Back In control.

Now I’m heading to the end of week three and I am feeling better and more lifted and less sensitive to life. I’m hoping that I begin to even out from here on in.

I can’t wait to feel alive again.

#squishysays

#love&peace

A fortnight in..

I am two weeks in reducing my Quetiapine. I have an appointment with the pysch soon and wanted to give it a go again and have something to actually discuss.

The first week went really well. I think I was numb as my body was noticing a change. I’m definitely feeling everything more intensely and I feel more present In the world. I seem to also have a huge amount of increased empathy.

I am learning so much about how my emotional self regulates. I have to try and keep myself from getting wound up in an attempt to remain balanced. Holding myself tight to make sure I don’t lose control until I the reduction has balanced back out.

Increasing the Pregablin has helped with the daytime anxiety. Although from 5 – 7 in the evening I can feel the lack of serequel in my system and so have felt overwhelmed until my next dose of quetiapine begins to hit.

I feel like I’m on the up. Either this is hypomania beginning.. Or I’m actually just growing and getting stronger. I like to think I’m just waking up in the world again and preparing to lead my life from the adult part of me more than the child.

I’m engaged in therapy and even working through an inner child course at home. Over the last couple of months I have felt a shift I’m my perspective. My mindset towards recovery has evolved.

From Victim to Victory.

Goodnight!

#Squishysays

Penny for your thoughts.

After a while of being in therapy you get used to people sharing their emotions. At first it was hard, you resist it. I did, for months but after a while It becomes easier to acknowledge your feelings and easier to recognise the way I feel whether it be a good feeling or a bad. We learn to have a new experience.

When someone shares there pain and you can relate, you feel with them. An empathy that only can be understood by the reason you’re there in there in the first place.

Group therapy; Surrounded by unfamiliar people yet they are authentic with empathy to the painful feelings we all hold inside. Bonded by childhood trauma.

When a human grieves over something they never had, when they are split and led from the inner child within we may have behaviours that are hard to control, impulses and a deep painful feeling of loss and abandonment that reoccurs. Leading life this way without allowing the adult within to surface keeps us in that pattern of destructive & damaging behaviours that ultimately we want and need to change.

It’s hard to be present and in the moment when we are triggered into that state of vulnerability, fight or flight, freeze or overwhelms us and were back into that place suffering panic, fear and anxiety. Reacting to a situation that isn’t actually a life threatening situation but still the fear is real.

Only sitting in this place, silently and strong when it happens is the only way to convince your body that you don’t need to be this vigilant anymore.

I’ve been in therapy for year now, and before that a 3 month group therapy and before that 12 weeks with a psychologist. I’ve got 8 months to go and although I have truly made strides towards being well and understanding what illness I suffer with it is still a struggle every single day.

Today is a good day. I’m rising from a mood swing and it always feels so amazing when I first emerge. Like the air is fantastic. I feel the same as signs of spring are popping up everywhere.

I long for the sunlight and warm sun. ☀

Penny for my thoughts.

#Squishysays

Love Day

As my brain becomes more well the fragmented parts of ‘lost me’ are returning and with it, a reminder of the painful circumstances of why each left. All the memories flood me, like flashbacks of everything I’ve suppressed.

I have discovered recently that my inner child is a reflection of before, when the problems happened in my life, Before I lost my innocence. Before everything changed.

I lost my father when I was a child. At least the version of him I had in my mind. The dad that taught me to swim, the fun memories, the man I trusted… before he showed his true colours, or I became old enough to understand.

I’m an empath. I feel things. I feel emotions, exchanges between folks that are so slight. I see them. I see them every time. When I am ill, it flips to paranoia and I make guesses that are more to do with how I’m feeling inside that match to my fears or insecurities but most of the time my gut is nearly always right.

Today is Valentines day and it’s a two sided coin. Parts of me celebrate, parts of me enjoy the fact I have someone to share my life with when so many others do not. Other parts hurt.

I can list so many women that I have loved. A black book of lovers that I’ve cared for, shared my heart with and the heartache that comes with the loss of each.

This is my pattern.

Repeating loss & the past over and over. Trying to save an unhappy woman and failing at the end of it because it was the end of the cycle. Deep down I wanted them to be happy because then the pain in my chest would lessen and only when this eased would I be able to carry on thinking about myself.

My mother was hurting. The conflict and fighting that never eased, she didn’t seek resolve and neither did he but being the sensitive child I was I soaked up all her pain. More so because she felt she was hiding it. She wasn’t though, it was there for me to see, filling me up with her pain and confusing my growth, stunting my normality.

Seeping into every area of my life. At school I was sat with a therapist every week. Depression and grief at 14. Heartache and problems whirring around me. Loss, anger and sadness.

I left at 15, packed my items into black bags took a black taxi and got dropped off at a hostel, alone. I tried to do my A levels, 6th form but I was loosing grip on reality.

And so began my decade of submission.

They say when you are ready, you will see. Recently I have felt myself get better, evolving a bit more and I am finding the flashbacks and memories that are returning are in time with this.

I don’t feel ready for this, but it seems that it’s beginning to unravel. Maybe one day I’ll remember everything and process it all as an adult.

Today although precious has also been incredibly painful.

#squishysays

Let’s see how this rolls out.

Waves

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been riding the waves of my depression and fighting off an episode. Luckily I think I’m through the worst of it and feeling more able to look outward and not be so self-focused. It is so unbelievably tiring to fight this mental anguish that I can’t seem to get away from. Like I’m trapped in this world and don’t have a clue how to handle myself in it. I’m frozen, its hard to move, hard to believe, in anything especially myself. 

When your core feelings are that you are nothing how do you change this? All the memes in the world and all the love still doesn’t cover this feeling. This sensation of feeling lost, tired and heavy. No desire to do anything, to change, no desire to be alive.

After weeks of thoughts of suicide being prevalent, it feels like rising from death and trying to force myself to feel alive. Why doesn’t anything make me feel alive anymore? Why is it that I can’t find the same excitement about MY life, about being a better individual. To grow, change, move, evolve…  Why do I feel like I’m incapable of becoming anything? Why do I just give up and allow defeat? 

I’ve stopped trying. Life is very different for me now. Its empty, void of passion and flames. Over the last decade I have been intensely obsessed with being a submissive and having a Dominant. Nothing else mattered but this in my heart. I found myself immersed and lost to the cruel highs and lows that having an intense relationship like this provides. Jumping from one to the next I have been through the mill over the years and I think its catching up with me. Everything that I had been avoiding; my own thoughts, my own feelings. The reasons I gave my submission away in the first place. To feel safe.

Now I know that I feel unsafe in the world without feeling like there is a more adulter adult around me. I struggle to stand in my shoes and just be myself. I have always felt an anxiety within me which I now recognize as being fear of the unknown. It is intense though, I really am scared inside.

I am full of hate. So much energy goes into hating myself. How do I turn this into love?

When the chaos simmers and all goes quiet, the meds are working and you are left with this void inside. This empty, full of hatred and angry hole. I fill it with spending, smoking pot, hating, binge watching tv, anything that avoids the painful sensations and feelings that come with facing it. Facing the confused and broken child within me and the complex mental health issues I have.

I’m starting to see that it is only myself that can change anything. Facing my feelings and trying. That’s the main important step to this process of recovery I’m getting ready to embark upon. Recognising when the blame shifts from my myself to the illness. When I give away power every time I let it take over and just give up. Every time I believe that I’m not good enough, every time I think that I’m nothing.

Its time to work on me and to try and love myself before not loving myself ruins it all.

#squishysays