Poorly Squishy

Ive been having some deep thoughts again lately. Getting confused who is who inside my body. It’s come to light that that there are 3 parts to me. The vulnerable part of me is actually poorly me, when she comes out she is filled with grief and is non functioning. Motivated is well me and able to get through the day with some function. The other part is Katelyn.. A headspace I choose to go into. 

Who’s Katelyn?

She’s the part of me that I love. She’s innocent and beautiful, gentle and fun. Vulnerable and kind. Free from darkness. I disassociate or maybe I just truly enjoy to regress to a younger age. Some could say that maybe she is the vulnerable and broken part except when I am her, I feel joy. I feel belonging and love and I enjoy every minute of being her. But she is somewhere I go for choice. 

Falling into poorly Kate is not and when she is present it cripples everything. I’m there now. Where I feel like I’m not quite in the driving seat. It’s difficult to think, process, like watching myself bumble along. I’ve been stressed, I smoke too much, it keeps me here, disassociated. It’s that quote that says we take comfort from the familiar, in our routines.

I know it will pass. It’s frustrating to be here and to wait for it to leave, for the positive feelings to return and to feel normal. To get my ass off the sofa and to not feel so stuck there.

I’ve been ill too, physically. Draining me even further and adding more frustrating. The parts inside me do feel like different people as they function from a completely different part of me and have their own individual levels of life tolerance.

My favourite is well me. It’s always a toss between hypo mania or just doing well. Constantly asking questions, examining myself, second guessing what could be causing how I feel. I like to feel well. Alive, and able to move forward. Those first few steps are magnificent but then I’m pinned back again, In fear of engaging in life again.

Petrified of it all happening again.

Up and down. Up up up.. Down down down.

… Then nothingness until something kick starts me off to feel in the driving seat again and the cycle begins again.

Does this even make sense?

#squishysays #poorlykate

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Taking Seroquel: Expect This

A year ago I didn’t relate to this. After this year I totally do. Harumf.

Living Manic Depressive

You are going to sleep a lot!

If you are planning to take Seroquel, expect that you are going to sleep an awful lot. So much so, that you should assume that you won’t be able to do anything for 5-7 days after you start taking it. No office work, no social activities, no house work. Not even little everyday tasks.

The only thing I did in the first five days is sleep, stagger groggily around the house, sleep more, feed the dogs, eat, and then take meds and go back to sleep. Really. For five days. 

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Dissociation

I’ve come to a new understanding of some of my behaviours recently. I disassociate from life at every turn even when I’m unaware of it happening. I failed my driving test and automatically my body disassociated emotionally from the fear of the emotional disappointment and I just mulled along in this empty emotional space for a couple of weeks until something happened to shock me into actually feeling like I’m in the driving seat and alive again.

This is how I experience everything. I take days to process life, events and emotions. I disassociate so much that at the times it happens I feel like i’m just going through the motions and i’m not really making active decisions or feeling anything at all.

I smoke drugs and I drink when an opportunity arises to do so. A go to habit. Daily smoking and socially drinking. I feel myself out of control underneath my calm exterior trying to avoid emotion, doing what I can to feel numb myself to feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I am afraid of my own emotions. I really was quite crazy before the meds! This version of me is vulnerable, and unable to cope very well.

The other version of me is very capable of dealing with life’s ins and outs. When I feel strong I’m able to take on most things and feel able to grow and evolve naturally in my environment. My ability to process information and emotional issues increases and I generally feel lighter and less tortured by my sadistic intrusive mind. I feel like the splitting inside me is fundamentally cemented into my habits through so many years of disassociating without realising.

I used to think that my particular type of downs were unusual even from being very young. Other people dealt with things so much better than I did. Every time I returned back to my reality from being in a different place I began to have emotional outbursts and meltdowns. So I once again began to disassociate to deal with it, without even really realising on a conscious level .. Everything at home is forgotten about, I watch television even though I have a thousand things to be doing. Going hungry instead of walking to the shop when you have money. Not showering for a couple of weeks because you can’t bear the sensation on your skin and being clean feels too good for someone like me. Being dirty helps add into the feeling that I’m nothing. Self loathing is truly out to get me on most days. Its’ these times where I sit feeling guilty but I still don’t get up and do anything. Stuck in some sort of loop.

Its’ taken 20 years for me to realise that actually I have been and am suffering with a long lasting mental illness. This has been so hard to swallow and to process. The other part of me always wanted to keep on going. Get education, get a job, achieve, work. This part of me loathes the weaker side to my personality and has very much so made it super hard to accept my illness, blocking me at every turn encouraging me to stay still, where its safe in the familiar, safe in the darkness. I’ve felt at times like I’ve hated the weaker side, blamed it for ruining our progress in moving forward, in achieving self worth. No matter how hard I try to ‘be’ the person I think I should be it always ends in a looped depression of pain, self loathing, hatred, guilt and blame. So much blame.

As reintegration happens I have felt the awareness of these sides dramatically improve and in the therapy I am in at the moment, (the one day program) I have come to understand that they are there. I’m either driving as a vulnerable child or I’m a responsible adult taking on my shit happily and trying to move forward. I hope at the end of all this therapy I manage to become whole again instead of feeling so fragmented inside.

#Squishysays

To the place I belong…

Bipolar affects my mood. A consistent down period lasting longer than a week and upto months when not knocked out of it either by medication or an upswing of mood.  I’ve been noticing this mood for over a month now and its not lifting. It began with failing my driving test. I could feel myself hanging on for the last bit of give I had in me before giving up again. The cycle of my moods desperately trying to make me fall into the darkness.

It sounds pathetic, but I do. I give up into a sea of hopelessness and worthlessness. I find myself ignoring life, feeling unable to participate, unable to put effort into anything. My internal dial tone is flat. I can’t experience pleasure in any activities that don’t involve dissapearing into dissasociation. I feel grief at the top of all my emotions, carrying it around with my like a heavy sack. My weight to bear.

There isn’t much in this space that helps. It all feels like I’m battling to something I’ve already given into inside. No fight for it.. just letting it win. Everytime. The darkness feels like it will never leave me, it will always be inside my brain like a bee. Buzzing around and making me feel like death.

Death is a funny thing. In this space I can talk about it until the cows come home. It feels normal like the next stage to make it all stop. I’m not sucidal at the moment but I would take a guess its on its way if my mood deterioates me. Thank god I have numbers to call and a medical team on my case. I can always be safe even when my thoughts try to make me feel otherwise.

How to explain to people that you just don’t care. That you’re apathetic to everything. That its not personal. That you care inside but its hell to get it out. You can hear music spinning around you brain, earwormed as it fuels the feeling of depression. Even feeling that shitty I regress a little. Listening to disney songs and music, finding comfort in that sensation of feeling small and protected.

I used to recognize myself, used to understand where I was headed. These days I have no idea. The path I once chose makes no sense to me anymore. I find no comfort in control, in ownership and in submission. This life is no longer what I seek, but I don’t have a clue what else I’m supposed to seek, where is my drive supposed to be?

Who am I supposed to be?

#bestfakesmile
#squishysays

 

 

Pondering.. 

If I don’t accept feelings I have then I can never work on improving them. 

I notice, when I’ve feel like I have triggered in some way my head races, negative thinking happens, I’m pessimistic, worries turn into daydreams and I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. Touch is too much, and I withdraw back into myself and think of the past. It comes with a sense of confusion making me feel frustrated and agitated with those around me. I feel paranoid, I’m on edge and grief is closer to me than any other emotion and it’s a really emotionally scary place to be. 

I’ve been drinking for a few days with the underlying urge to loose control. Indulging in a bit of gambling, smoking far too much dope and generally playing the avoidance of my own emotions game. I seem to do this so very much. 

I find it super hard to determine and analyse my own behaviour. It’s so difficult from being the one to analyse to then being the one in the chair. My defense systems spike at every perceived threat, it’s difficult to open up and to acknowledge my own feelings again and then share them.

There is pain in my past. Something grates my heart. As I’m slowly getting used to the idea of people peeking into my soul to help, I can’t help flare up everytime I feel offended or attacked at a perceived rejection or threat to my balance. 

At the moment I don’t feel too great. Feel like all my feathers have been ruffled and I’m having to think about things I’d rather not. The time is set up for me to go through this therapy but I’m not gonna lie its very hard and I feel like I need to stop resisiting and getting with the program.

It doesn’t feel good in meantime but I’m working on it. Drinking is probably not helping. Detox next week. 

#SquishySays

Tackle. It. 

So, we’ve come to terms that there is a problem. Now that problem has been discovered its time to tackle it. 

It’s much harder than you think. What have I come to terms with you wonder ? The bane of every woman’s existence.. Food and weight control. 

Now when you rattle as you walk its difficult to determine how best to go about this without causing much trouble to my routine. Sugar is something that I clearly need, if not in coffee I am searching to find it elsewhere. Baking, sweet treats etc. 

So after a 7 months on the correct medication  I’ve come to be quite a balanced individual. The only problem is I have also put on 3-4 stone. With this comes new problems. Crunching and cramping hips when walking and struggling to do a few things that were never thought of before as my weight has piled on in a short amount of time.

Battling physical ailments alongside the mental distress of feeling like a thin person trapped inside this body is taking its toll and I’m feeling well enough to try and tackle this now. 

Few changes, sweetener instead of sugar dropping those calories. Most things I buy are reduced fat at the moment. The more I work with cooking the more healthier I can cook meals. Looking for some meal replacements for the daytime and drinking water/cordial instead of coke, or Fanta. Next step to try and get used to zero pop for the craving of fizzy. 

There are many different fads I could join but I feel more comfortable changing my lifestyle without the aid of anyone else. The girl and I are slowly making changes and putting thoughts into better eating. 

Aiming to lose 5 stone overall.

Will see how it goes. 

#squishysays

Moving on..

Over the month of January I felt like I was in such an uncomfortable position. Nothing to do, bored beyond belief at days with no appointments and a descending depression that dug its heels in and made me feel like I’d never be rid of mental health issues.

Reflecting back since the beginning of taking my meds, now 7 months ago I can honestly say that I’m well on my road to recovery. In comparison to before, I did nothing. Couldn’t interact with other people and even struggled with my friends and family. I didn’t want to go out, for fun, pleasure or need. I lost 6 stone during my last episode and became a person that couldn’t even handle feeling another emotion from another person even if they were just telling me a story. I couldn’t sleep, I would have nightmares and the anxiety level was excruciating resulting in me not being able to eat barely at all. I couldn’t shower very often as my skin was so afraid of being raw and naked, the sensation of water on my skin was like pins. I was irritable beyond belief and caused many arguments with people due to my own out of control mental health. I left a community that I once called home and isolated myself to a point of detriment.

Over the last couple of weeks I have begun to lift and feel better. I take my meds everyday, and I ensure that I’m eating and showering. Although since taking medication I have re-put on the 6 stone that I lost and so am left with being much heavier than I ever wanted to be but the good thing is that even though I go down and dip. I always seem to come back up without the disaster trail that followed me wherever I went in my 20’s.

All I ask for is to be able to function and live properly like others. I don’t mind handling my own health when it crops up, but its much easier to accept now that I no longer feel like I’m making up an illness I couldn’t cope with. My personality disorder has always made me feel like It’s a fault with me. I am a failure and since being diagnosed with Bipolar alongside I have slowly begun to battle the critical voice in my head that still attempts to make me believe I am nothing, worthless and better of dead.

I will always write whether I am balanced or not. It’s better for me to get it out here and with therapists than it ever is to let it go to family. I’ve learnt over the last couple of years that everything I love WONT dissapear if I manage myself. This has been a hard lesson to understand. Taking responsibility for my own issues, caused by me or illness.

I don’t ever want to lose the people who care for me, and so now when I can, I work on it.
What else can you do?

I’m lucky to have my girlfriend of 5 years to still be here after I landed in reality. I am lucky also to have a relationship that helps aid the personality issues that I have. An ageplay relationship where I’m able to lean and love like a child would a father. My Daddy, (non sexual) takes care of me when needed and I couldn’t of asked for more to help me in the days that my brain decides to bring everything up and make me feel like a vulnerable child. I’m not sure if I could have got a handle on everything without her.

Getting a grip on life like I wish I’d been able too at 18. Saying that I’d never have met the beautiful people I have in my life that support and help me where needed. I can only hope that I can grow enough to be as much in return. To give something back.

#squishysays
#mentalhealth

Squishy xxx