To the place I belong…

Bipolar affects my mood. A consistent down period lasting longer than a week and upto months when not knocked out of it either by medication or an upswing of mood.  I’ve been noticing this mood for over a month now and its not lifting. It began with failing my driving test. I could feel myself hanging on for the last bit of give I had in me before giving up again. The cycle of my moods desperately trying to make me fall into the darkness.

It sounds pathetic, but I do. I give up into a sea of hopelessness and worthlessness. I find myself ignoring life, feeling unable to participate, unable to put effort into anything. My internal dial tone is flat. I can’t experience pleasure in any activities that don’t involve dissapearing into dissasociation. I feel grief at the top of all my emotions, carrying it around with my like a heavy sack. My weight to bear.

There isn’t much in this space that helps. It all feels like I’m battling to something I’ve already given into inside. No fight for it.. just letting it win. Everytime. The darkness feels like it will never leave me, it will always be inside my brain like a bee. Buzzing around and making me feel like death.

Death is a funny thing. In this space I can talk about it until the cows come home. It feels normal like the next stage to make it all stop. I’m not sucidal at the moment but I would take a guess its on its way if my mood deterioates me. Thank god I have numbers to call and a medical team on my case. I can always be safe even when my thoughts try to make me feel otherwise.

How to explain to people that you just don’t care. That you’re apathetic to everything. That its not personal. That you care inside but its hell to get it out. You can hear music spinning around you brain, earwormed as it fuels the feeling of depression. Even feeling that shitty I regress a little. Listening to disney songs and music, finding comfort in that sensation of feeling small and protected.

I used to recognize myself, used to understand where I was headed. These days I have no idea. The path I once chose makes no sense to me anymore. I find no comfort in control, in ownership and in submission. This life is no longer what I seek, but I don’t have a clue what else I’m supposed to seek, where is my drive supposed to be?

Who am I supposed to be?

#bestfakesmile
#squishysays

 

 

Pondering.. 

If I don’t accept feelings I have then I can never work on improving them. 

I notice, when I’ve feel like I have triggered in some way my head races, negative thinking happens, I’m pessimistic, worries turn into daydreams and I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. Touch is too much, and I withdraw back into myself and think of the past. It comes with a sense of confusion making me feel frustrated and agitated with those around me. I feel paranoid, I’m on edge and grief is closer to me than any other emotion and it’s a really emotionally scary place to be. 

I’ve been drinking for a few days with the underlying urge to loose control. Indulging in a bit of gambling, smoking far too much dope and generally playing the avoidance of my own emotions game. I seem to do this so very much. 

I find it super hard to determine and analyse my own behaviour. It’s so difficult from being the one to analyse to then being the one in the chair. My defense systems spike at every perceived threat, it’s difficult to open up and to acknowledge my own feelings again and then share them.

There is pain in my past. Something grates my heart. As I’m slowly getting used to the idea of people peeking into my soul to help, I can’t help flare up everytime I feel offended or attacked at a perceived rejection or threat to my balance. 

At the moment I don’t feel too great. Feel like all my feathers have been ruffled and I’m having to think about things I’d rather not. The time is set up for me to go through this therapy but I’m not gonna lie its very hard and I feel like I need to stop resisiting and getting with the program.

It doesn’t feel good in meantime but I’m working on it. Drinking is probably not helping. Detox next week. 

#SquishySays

Tackle. It. 

So, we’ve come to terms that there is a problem. Now that problem has been discovered its time to tackle it. 

It’s much harder than you think. What have I come to terms with you wonder ? The bane of every woman’s existence.. Food and weight control. 

Now when you rattle as you walk its difficult to determine how best to go about this without causing much trouble to my routine. Sugar is something that I clearly need, if not in coffee I am searching to find it elsewhere. Baking, sweet treats etc. 

So after a 7 months on the correct medication  I’ve come to be quite a balanced individual. The only problem is I have also put on 3-4 stone. With this comes new problems. Crunching and cramping hips when walking and struggling to do a few things that were never thought of before as my weight has piled on in a short amount of time.

Battling physical ailments alongside the mental distress of feeling like a thin person trapped inside this body is taking its toll and I’m feeling well enough to try and tackle this now. 

Few changes, sweetener instead of sugar dropping those calories. Most things I buy are reduced fat at the moment. The more I work with cooking the more healthier I can cook meals. Looking for some meal replacements for the daytime and drinking water/cordial instead of coke, or Fanta. Next step to try and get used to zero pop for the craving of fizzy. 

There are many different fads I could join but I feel more comfortable changing my lifestyle without the aid of anyone else. The girl and I are slowly making changes and putting thoughts into better eating. 

Aiming to lose 5 stone overall.

Will see how it goes. 

#squishysays

Moving on..

Over the month of January I felt like I was in such an uncomfortable position. Nothing to do, bored beyond belief at days with no appointments and a descending depression that dug its heels in and made me feel like I’d never be rid of mental health issues.

Reflecting back since the beginning of taking my meds, now 7 months ago I can honestly say that I’m well on my road to recovery. In comparison to before, I did nothing. Couldn’t interact with other people and even struggled with my friends and family. I didn’t want to go out, for fun, pleasure or need. I lost 6 stone during my last episode and became a person that couldn’t even handle feeling another emotion from another person even if they were just telling me a story. I couldn’t sleep, I would have nightmares and the anxiety level was excruciating resulting in me not being able to eat barely at all. I couldn’t shower very often as my skin was so afraid of being raw and naked, the sensation of water on my skin was like pins. I was irritable beyond belief and caused many arguments with people due to my own out of control mental health. I left a community that I once called home and isolated myself to a point of detriment.

Over the last couple of weeks I have begun to lift and feel better. I take my meds everyday, and I ensure that I’m eating and showering. Although since taking medication I have re-put on the 6 stone that I lost and so am left with being much heavier than I ever wanted to be but the good thing is that even though I go down and dip. I always seem to come back up without the disaster trail that followed me wherever I went in my 20’s.

All I ask for is to be able to function and live properly like others. I don’t mind handling my own health when it crops up, but its much easier to accept now that I no longer feel like I’m making up an illness I couldn’t cope with. My personality disorder has always made me feel like It’s a fault with me. I am a failure and since being diagnosed with Bipolar alongside I have slowly begun to battle the critical voice in my head that still attempts to make me believe I am nothing, worthless and better of dead.

I will always write whether I am balanced or not. It’s better for me to get it out here and with therapists than it ever is to let it go to family. I’ve learnt over the last couple of years that everything I love WONT dissapear if I manage myself. This has been a hard lesson to understand. Taking responsibility for my own issues, caused by me or illness.

I don’t ever want to lose the people who care for me, and so now when I can, I work on it.
What else can you do?

I’m lucky to have my girlfriend of 5 years to still be here after I landed in reality. I am lucky also to have a relationship that helps aid the personality issues that I have. An ageplay relationship where I’m able to lean and love like a child would a father. My Daddy, (non sexual) takes care of me when needed and I couldn’t of asked for more to help me in the days that my brain decides to bring everything up and make me feel like a vulnerable child. I’m not sure if I could have got a handle on everything without her.

Getting a grip on life like I wish I’d been able too at 18. Saying that I’d never have met the beautiful people I have in my life that support and help me where needed. I can only hope that I can grow enough to be as much in return. To give something back.

#squishysays
#mentalhealth

Squishy xxx

Late night irritability. 

I don’t always get late night irritability. Usually my meds kick in and take me away to a sound enough sleep. Not tonight though, tonight I’m awake trying to make sense of my loud brain. Perhaps I’m subconsciously cautious to sleep, I have had nightnares for 3 nights in a row. 

Over the weekend I stayed in a residential college to go on my first ever confidence course. It was fantastic and compared to the blues I’ve had over the last month this was a breathe of fresh air to me. 

Exploring at a level I can understand and working with others has done me a world of good.  Immersing myself into a school/college environment reminded me of some of the educational goals I used to have and how I’ve  moved so far away from that in my life now. It was quite the eye opener. 

Feeling high from the weekend I ended up ranting and raving on the last two evenings as I’ve been coming back down to earth and to what feels like my own purposeless reality. It’s not really so empty but sometimes it feels that way whilst I’m waiting to move forward in life. 

Creating your own destiny isn’t as easy as it looks and maintaining that with confidence and motivation isn’t my forte when the odds are that I’m depressed 95% of the time. I’m hoping that given some more time on my medication, more classes for recovery and weekends at the residential I might even start the journey of truly finding myself. 

I despise feeling irritable. You know, that sensation you can’t shake off. Like boredom but worse. A niggling something that’s unsettled inside and manifesting in my veins like my blood is boiling and short tempered with a sharp tongue. 

I toss and turn trying to feel tired, so many thoughts buzzing about my head into a silent white noise that you can’t decipher so it just feels uncomfortable. Until eventually I just fall asleep and it’s like it never happened. 

I wonder what dreams wicked this way comes? 

#squishysays #latenight #musings #mentalhealth

It feels like.. 

It feels like disassociation when I can’t quite get a grip. When I can’t stop smoking and find it impossible to feel the motivation to ‘take control’ like I did running upto Christmas. Floating through life. 

My social abilities are to be desired. Suffering quietly with severe anxiety and panic. Struggling with motivation, getting fatter is not helping and not feeling like I can’t take control of the situation is leaving me pretty flat and low. 

This where my personality disorder and bipolar clash. Constant feelings of low self esteem, low confidence and a disinterest in life itself. Keeping me longer in the lull that’s supposed to be just for the first few weeks after the holiday season. 

I have always had this feeling. Like I’m waiting for my life to carry on. It’s a cycle, I’ve lived with it for years. Obsession then depression. I always feel so ‘into’ my latest obsession. It makes me feel soooooooo good as opposed to the empty depression that always comes after. It’s like in deadpool where you get just enough air to be alive and then periods of oxygen. It’s the relief I’m referring too. 

Emotional and unstable. Yet with my medication all this happens inwardly. I implode rather than Explode and I’m depressed but not suicidal. This I think highlights a bit of an improvement. Exploding always causes me so much trouble with family and friends and being able to contain that is something that I am greatful for. 

So I really hope my motivation comes back around soon and some happier feelings return because I’m feeling tired of fighting this and smoking is a vicious circle. 

It feels like I’m waiting again and I’m trapped inside this sadness waiting for the clouds to break so I can chase the sun. 

I love the sun. 

#squishysays

#Nevergiveup

Frustrated

Lately I’m feeling very frustrated. Perhaps its just the racing thoughts and irritability or that usual empty feeling I’m left with most of the time regardless. The feeling like I want to just get on with my life and forget about this mental health shit. Feeling like I want to get on a train and just travel for hours, meet people I don’t know. Feeling like I want to sit on a rock and stare out to the beautiful surroundings and maybe cry for a little while, go where folks don’t know me. This could be growth. I usually cant deal with much, and the frustration of wanting to move forward but feeling stuck is better than hiding in bed wanting everyone to just fuck off.

I don’t know what makes me feel this way. Most probably my personality disorder to be fair. Since I started Quetiapine life has fallen into a very balanced way. I’m craving excitement, a spending spree, an argument … anything to feel. Rather than this irritability and emotional spurts. I just want to let go underneath and feel ‘normal.’

I desperately want to grow into a well balanced human being. Over the last few weeks after Christmas i have felt completely redundant in life. I managed to handle Christmas well for the first time ever really. Everyone got a present, I thought about everyone. Its over now and there’s nothing to look forward too. No structure. I’m currently waiting for my driving license to be returned so I can get a car to help me become more independent. I’m cautious, I declared my bipolar to them.. and now its a waiting game. One that will upset me if it returns with a no.

I have a self confidence course to go on at a college that does residential stays. I’m nervous about this and rather than looking forward to it, I’m so concerned about my medication, times to be awake and whether I can manage it. I have to go, as I have to rebuild my personality after 15 years of untreated mental health. I must do these things to get well.

Sometimes, I just don’t want to think about all of this. Sometimes I want to let go and not know that afterward will be a major clean up operation to get balanced again. I want to have fun, experience life and build friendships. All of this is so hard for me. Everything
I’ve known over the years seems so far away from where I am now and I just don’t know who ‘me’ is anymore.

Sitting in this place of waiting, questioning and soul searching is difficult. I just want to be normal for a while. I don’t want this struggle anymore. Sometimes it sucks all the life out of me that I can’t just ‘be’

This too shall pass.

#squishysays
#mental health