Never Give Up

Over the entire span of my adult life I have had a turbulent time regulating my emotions and mood and generally enjoying life. It would be safe to say that I haven’t had a balanced life for that time either despite having a full life to lead and always being around people who love and care for me.(In my head at least.)

I lost my job again a couple of years back as I found myself in a dark and deepening depression and have been perpetually trapped inside my own personal hell since. A 6 month rise with little sleep, hypersexuality, super productive, I lost 6 stone rapidly, became very highly strung which led to problems at work and in my relationships, experienced crippling euphoria that mimicked anxiety only to end in bone crushing depression. Rapid cycling behavior followed mimicking the symptoms of Bi polar and other behaviors with contrasting symptoms that represent the co-morbid dysfunctional part of my personality disorder. The wretched BPD diagnosis.

I started taking Quetiapine a month a go and so far the results have been positive. I’ve been balanced and don’t feel like I’m about to freak out, or that something bad is going to happen or that I want to die. In fact, these thoughts were immediately quietened and I feel a sense of balance that I’ve never had before.

It’s taken me over a decade to get to grips with what has been going on inside my brain and to even touch the surface to work out why I struggle so badly to function and why over the years it has increasingly gotten worse. Something inside of me always felt like there was more than what they labelled me with.

Now, with the antiphychotic keeping me from going off balance I have the ability to feel once again. Where as once a bout of the flu or a heavy cold would confuse and mix up with my mental health. I’d be unable to tell them apart and become distressed by this and feel like I am having a nervous breakdown rather than telling apart the cold and mh illness. 

I am able to feel my period pain, and know which pain mimics this and the same goes for hunger and the rest.  I am able to feel  my emotions and the difference between them as they no longer overwhelm me so much that I feel crazed and manic with Insecurity, fear, panic and self loathe.  

I’m able to distinguish between my mood. Since the introduction of Quetiapine I have been a different human. A much nicer human to be around, more patient, thoughtful, relaxed, less invaded by bad or troubling thoughts. The experience itself felt euphoric although helped along by the drug introducing into my system it didn’t change the fact that it felt like breaking through ice to hot burning sunshine and feeling the seering warmth on your skin. It unfortunately highlighted how very poorly i have been and for how long it may have potentially  gone unmanaged. 

This blog is intended for me to share some of the experiences that I have suffered over the last decade and to self care my recovery and share my story. 

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