Mixed

I want to go out but I feel like I cant. I want to programme my website and update the design but I can’t stay focused on it long enough to get started today.  I want to feel good and I’m frustrated that I feel unbalanced. Riddled with my self loathe constantly throwing me off track, questioning how I feel, double guessing my own emotions making me feel guilty and self hate. Disorganised.

I can’t remember anything, every turn I make I’ve forgotten the task I was about to do. Middle of conversations come blank and I feel like I’m going to explode or do something bad. One of the two. Now I feel fear running through my veins like hot blood and have rushes over the back of my neck and into my hairline. Like extacy, the high as it waves over your body, the euphoric elevated sensation.  A slow determined exhale of breathe as you ride out the high. Is that anxiety? Or is this mania?

So much physical Anxiety. Or is it anxiety at all?Perhaps it’s euphoria and the panic is of it being out of control. Is it that I succumbed to the world of BDSM to find rules in my life to keep me from going off the rails because I have felt out of control ever since I were about 14 give or take a few well periods in between.

 My mind is racing. Jumping from thought to thought. Changing my mind and feeling a sense of hopelessness as it threatens to overwhelm me and I wait..  Terrified for when it might hit, if at all.Confused sensation of pure hell. I Can’t start anything yet can’t stop thinking about starting, flitting from one idea to the next. Creative and open I am able to feel my emotions rising to the surface and I don’t know where they are rising from. I feel like I am trapped inside my head as it thrashes about. Like the silent scream that nobody else can hear.

I can. It’s running at me like a freight train. Isolating me from the outside world and making social interaction super difficult. Burring beneath the Quetiapine, I sense that perhaps I am needing a meds increase. I’ve felt like this for days.

Time to take some responsibility. I’m calling my pdoc and will take it from there. I do feel all of these things. My self loathe is wrong.

You ‘are’ wrong.

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