Hate

For the last decade I have hated myself for not being able to function, for not being able to be just like everybody else and now I know I am suffering I feel like I am being punished everytime it returns.

Why does it return?

I only missed one night of medication and I was unable to sleep until the late early hours. I’m exhausted. This morning I felt ridiculously depressed. Wired from a night of racing thoughts, feeling high and being unable to sleep at all. I thought of everything last night, everything I didn’t want to think about I did amidst planning and thinking of soany creative things to do and wanting to jump my girlfriends bones.

Is this anxiety?  Is this euphoria? Am I just crazy?

Feel like I have to plod through the day and swim through the mud state of my brain. Just one night of lack of sleep and I feel so terrible. The missus helped me shower and dress. I roared so many tears but she was there to catch them. I feel loved and i feel grateful and humble from it. So thank you babe, you really got me today.

I’m tired and stoned. Maybe I’ll try to stop when I feel stronger but feeling stronger feels like tommorow never comes. I used to be so much stronger get than this, I only ever remember not being able to function properly at Uni, my last major nervous breakdown.

Like my blog says..  Never give up,  have faith.

It’s days like this when I truly feel like I am suffering and there is a sadness that comes with that. I truly didn’t realise I was or have been consciously up until this most recent breakdown.

Did I do something to deserve this mental pain I suffer? Is there something I’m being taught through this. Everything happens for a reason.

Never give up.

Have faith.

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