For the last decade I have hated myself for not being able to function, for not being able to be just like everybody else and now I know I am suffering I feel like I am being punished everytime it returns.
Why does it return?
I only missed one night of medication and I was unable to sleep until the late early hours. I’m exhausted. This morning I felt ridiculously depressed. Wired from a night of racing thoughts, feeling high and being unable to sleep at all. I thought of everything last night, everything I didn’t want to think about I did amidst planning and thinking of soany creative things to do and wanting to jump my girlfriends bones.
Is this anxiety? Is this euphoria? Am I just crazy?
Feel like I have to plod through the day and swim through the mud state of my brain. Just one night of lack of sleep and I feel so terrible. The missus helped me shower and dress. I roared so many tears but she was there to catch them. I feel loved and i feel grateful and humble from it. So thank you babe, you really got me today.
I’m tired and stoned. Maybe I’ll try to stop when I feel stronger but feeling stronger feels like tommorow never comes. I used to be so much stronger get than this, I only ever remember not being able to function properly at Uni, my last major nervous breakdown.
Like my blog says.. Never give up, have faith.
It’s days like this when I truly feel like I am suffering and there is a sadness that comes with that. I truly didn’t realise I was or have been consciously up until this most recent breakdown.
Did I do something to deserve this mental pain I suffer? Is there something I’m being taught through this. Everything happens for a reason.
Never give up.