Recovery. 

So I spent my first 4 months on medication. Taking 400mg Quetiapine and 20mg Citalapram  alongside other health condition tablets. (thyroxine, the pill, antihistamines, folic & vitamin D.)

There have been changes. For the first 3 months I experienced a huge change in energy from the none I’d had previously. I’d wake up at 8am daily and be ready to get on with my day and achieve another set of tasks I set for myself. I’ve been lifted out of the severe depression that I was in, well at least the deep depths of it and I have been slowly becoming much closer to the ‘balanced’  line of the mood chart.

However, over the course the last month my last two menstrual cycles were affected and my mood began to drop. Emotional instability arrives and I begin to withdraw whilst also having intense paranoid thoughts about my friends and surrounding circle. I slowly begin to Isolate myself, preffering more and more to stay at home alone. I find no pleasure in activities and stop tending to the sites I manage. I can’t answer the phone, or want to socialise at all. In fact social situations absolutely drain me. My dreams are busy and strange every night and I want to cry a lot. I feel worthless, useless and broken. I don’t shower, brush my teeth or change my underwear and for the foreseeable future I’ll be found in the middle of my bed. I hate myself and am surrounded in mental anguish. No energy, no motivation, sadness, a hopeless mentality and sense of loosing control.

Now that my period has passed, I have begun to regain control of Myself again. The emotional outbursts suddenly disappeared and I have become more able to cope. Thoughts filling my mind back on a track that I somehow fell from. An acceptance of the illness and a big desire to face problems that have previously been ignored. Next stop; Debt management.  The fact I am doing this shows progress even though I don’t feel it.

Last week I felt like I could never be saved back in the hole again. I would always flip. Whether I am affected badly with PMS, whether bipolar is raising its ugly head again or my BPD has gone wild something causes me to fall into a vulnerable insecure position where I slowly loose control over my life, am more likely to attack (verbal) and begin to indulge in activities that allow me to disassociate.

Whether this be the excitement of a new relationship, taking drugs, smoking pot, drinking alcohol,  buying items, shopping,  and binge eating or falling prey to my emotional demon that pushes me to get lost so I don’t have to feel the heavy burden of responsibility that most folks take for granted.

The drugs are helping me to look, to analyse and see what behaviours I am exhibiting and what the best way is to tackle them. I have always struggled viewing myself from the outside in but the drugs give me the opportunity to calm most of my out of control thoughts and not act on the urges that will damage my sense of balance. Working with the therapist should help pan all this out.

So as my appointment with the PDoc isn’t until the 12th of January I will give my meds another 2 months to see if I am able to maintain my mood and distinguish between conditions then get a proper handle on them.

#squishysays

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