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I was first told that I was suffering from a personality disorder at age 18. 

I frequented the doctors office in crisis and a few times took talking therapy with various different professionals to talk to somebody during the distressing times that I was experiencing. Everyone else just thought I was eccentric and strange. 

First in school, age 14 I began to see an in school therapist, a teacher had expressed that I was suffering with depression but back then I wasn’t prepared to look at what this meant for me or have the tools to attempt to understand it. At 16 I left home and wallowed in the depths of my depression using drugs to cope living in a bedsit hostel and failed my AS levels and lost my job. I had never felt so depressed before and I didn’t have any clue what to do about it, or how to be ‘normal’ 

I have always struggled with personality and emotional issues. Feelings of loss and abandonment. Grief and loss of control. Low motivation and self loathing. Overwhelming feelings of panic and anxiety would take over and out came the vile verbal to follow. The only way I knew how to cope was to explode when I was younger, except I didn’t cope it just made it so much worse. Crisis to crisis I found myself in the doctors office landed with feelings that I couldn’t go on. That my thoughts were driving me wild and my complete disassociation into relationships and alternative roles would always land me in some emotional drama where I couldn’t maintain any form of consistency or discuss my symptoms properly due to being clouded with out of control feelings and emotions. It was a real messy situation back then. 

This carried on for years. At 18 I dissappeard to America, grabbed two credit cards with no job to pay and whisked off to the states to meet a woman I’d never met before. I was fearless…  Always on the go, and always doing something. Little did I know, this may have been my first obvious hypomania episode as the depression that followed it was crushing and painful. 

I finally began to feel better and went off to University. Meeting someone knew and falling in love triggered my next hypomania episode which ended at 21 into yet another year long depression which i failed my degree due to mental health, and abused those verbally who were closest too me. I couldn’t handle my out of control feelings. I began heavily smoking cannabis to ‘help. ‘ feeling stoned always made it easier to forget how I was feeling and the fact I couldn’t cope with myself. 

It’s takes a while but I get back onto my feet. Only to spend the next five years lost in the world of BDSM. Bpd symptoms rise and take over and I’m up and down, self harm, periods of stability and instability, emotionally volatile, passionate and controlling. Pain became my release for the emotional turmoil I so often felt and I struggled to to keep afloat and not drown whilst trying to maintain the balance and have my feet dipping into reality river.  

I hit 27 and here comes my next hypomania episode. 6 months of hypomania. Again a new relationship sparking off my high. Irritable, highly strung, fast, productive and over sexual, functioning on little sleep, hard to talk too, I just know everything and my tolerance for things diminishes, lots of fights, relationship difficulties. Of course then, this leads into yet another bone crushing depression, another lost job and an an ability to continue forward and function at all. Mental health really taking toll of my brain, energy and will. 

Bi polar depression is the worst feeling. Upto this point I have only taken anti depressants which I’ve come on and off, on and off them. I never felt like they worked alone and at times I hated taking them. I was diagnosed bpd..  All of these situations were BPD? It couldn’t be and if It was, I felt hopeless. I understand my difficulties emotionally but surely my moods couldn’t be affected this badly by solely that? 

Next whilst I’m climbing through the depths of my depression rapid cycling occurs. I’m up for 4 weeks, motivated, signing onto courses, meditation course, I’m listening to them at night, I fill my diary and prepare to gym it every day. I feel good, and so therefore I relax and exhale only to be thrown quickly into a depression before a couple of weeks later another cycle as I rise up to feel so productive, friendly, sociable only to fall again into a suicidal pit of despair… After the next time this happens, I finally go to the doctors and explain..

I think I have bipolar. 

Given mood stabilising medications have changed my life. Not completely. I’m only at the beginning of this particular journey but I find myself grateful with the pills that help me to maintain my illness and keep me on a balanced level. 

Some people don’t want labels they come with so much. I  need the label to help me to distinguish and learn to control this mood shaking demon I have within me and to be able to tell it apart to any other morbid conditions. 

Hopefully now I have my diagnosis life will improve. 10 years a bit too late but better late than never. 

#squishysays

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