Therapy or not.

After my initial assessments for personality I opted to try group therapy. Obviously without revealing too much about actual situations i am struggling massively to find my place and its purpose in my life. There were a few reasons as to why therapy in a group environment may benefit me. I’ve always been in and out of talking therapies where I could babble on and on for hours with a paid professional to listen to my woes, not really tackling much but talking for England. I’d never stepped forward into actual group work as I had always been afraid of these situations.

Okay so of course it would help me tackle the social anxiety that grips me these days. Talking openly and learning to comfortably be at one with myself in front of others. It would also help me to see how others relate and interpret themselves and I would hope that it would reveal some ‘click click’ process throughout where I recognize it in myself and learn, adding more branches to my knowledge tree. Bonus. I’ve always had trouble relating to others and suffered with severe insecurity at a major level with other people. All of this somehow would be helpful to me in a 1- 6 group situation. Maybe others felt like this too? Maybe I would be given the tools to tackle people in groups again, especially girls.

This isn’t always how it works though is it. I turn up to therapy every week. I ensure I arrive on time due to anxious feelings of dreading a late entry. I trek anxiously and uncomfortably on public services for over an hour to get there. I engage and attempt to share and be myself, authentic and true. The problem is, sometimes people just don’t turn up. If they don’t turn up  it can be crushingly disappointing. This has happened on a few occasions to me and I’ve felt the cold sting of disappointment as I get the session cut short or go ahead with the one person that managed to turn up also. Another problem is that I have extensive understanding for other peoples situations. Compassion at being a patient that couldn’t engage previously, ignoring appointments, letting people down, not ready to face it. The balance between validating my own emotions and the reason why is difficult. It’s hard to be disappointed but also understand. I really do dislike feeling let down.

I’ve been disheartened by therapy over the last few weeks and have struggled to maintain my commitment to something that doesn’t feel productive and completely stresses me out in the process. I am aware that some parts of it do help and are conclusive to my progression which is why I won’t give up. I have understood behaviors and have found listening to others experiences very helpful in the journey of relating to the world and to myself. Sometimes I don’t think about how something could be affecting me, but come to understand it by helping out a fellow groupie as they talk through their own issues.

If I learned anything during my sessions it’s to ensure I move to individual therapy after this runs its course and hopefully I’ll have progressed with emotional resilience more than before. I’m still not sure about it though, but I have faith not to give up and see it through.

This in itself, is progress.





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