I’m still in the early stages of distinguishing hypomania from my other mental health conditions and being able to pin point exactly what brings it on and what doesn’t. Depression is easy, its my main state.
So far I notice my legs go at a thousand miles an hour, or at least it feels this way. I have 10 tabs open on my browser, I’m chatty, friendly full of confidence. I can make phone calls and all the social things I’m unable to do most of the time when not in this state. I can’t talk fast enough and when I stop my legs from going up and down I get a euphoric feeling wave over my body. I hear music in my head and I will wake up repeatedly through the night despite taking all my pills. I have a dangerous clarity that deepens and twists and I LOVE to shop. I love music and I want to dance. I’m impatient, I lack tolerance, I can be irritable and highly strung and I love the way I feel chasing the high.
Spending most of my time in a depressed state I feel such relief when hypomania does rear its head. I rely on the tablets to keep me balanced but if I’ve learnt anything over the past few years it really is the self control and balance that keeps things in the green area instead of the red. It takes some serious monitoring, I’m only just starting to get to grips with it.
So my journey has been that of discovering how to remain balanced when my life over the last ten years has been anything but. I’ve pulled back from the lifestyle I lived and disassociated into which has proved to be saddening and difficult like watching something I used to be fade away. Personality disorder clashing against bipolar clashing against strong driven behavior clashing together to create a huge tangled cyclical mess.
Forcing myself to come back to some balanced level where my awareness remains on my choices, my behaviors and trying to introduce healthy and balanced activities that promote this whilst accepting and processing that I’ve been suffering with an enduring mental illness for a long time and only just being understood.
Drugs had always been my port of call to deal with the ups and downs of my mental health and I now very rarely smoke at all. Cannabis tends to only feel ‘needed’ when I’m in the throws of my depression. Hypo mania and productivity has no place for it. Plus the anti-psychotics must be doing their job. 4 months on them and a 15 year habit ceases to bother me that much anymore. Crutch anyone?
So that leaves me with very little really. So when I have days that I feel more energized and I’m worried its hypomania I’m glad I have the tools in order to be mindful and watch the progression and ensure that it’s not going anywhere it shouldn’t. I just wish that on the weeks that the bipolar depression hits that I could feel this powerful and great about my achievements and not give into the pot to just ‘make it go away.’ or feel more tolerable.
That’s the coin though isn’t it..
One or the other.
Where’s my inbetween?