Tracking my progress.

Changes since the start of treatment for Bipolar & Personality disorder.
6 months period.

First 3 months fantastic, very high motivated, lots of energy, up at 8pm regardless of when I took my Quetiapine, elated and happy with relief from the lift of the depression I’d been stuck in for a year and the relentless obsessions. Then a week of irritability came just as I visited my Psych and then 6 weeks roughly of depression came after (however manageable) which resulted in withdrawal from usual activities, loss of pleasure in normal activities, remained in bed for most of the day every day and found showering impossible. I found socialising to be extremely difficult, draining and exhausting. During this period my anxiety and panic was also very alert. I was unable to cope with much without needing to retreat and be alone again then a mood change came. It felt like I began to move away from the depression toward feeling a bit brighter and more lifted but not as high as before, more balanced.

In this space I am very tired and lethargic but without depressive thoughts or intrusive racing ones. My interests settle around thinking of ways to be creative with the kitchen, or trawling websites to find something I want, or searching for cars because my new current obsession is wanting to be able to drive and achieve that from a failure years ago. I work on my balance all the time and make decisions that are right for me in this space. I feel relatively normal but always with some anxiety not far behind.

I feel like I am on a balancing arm. Watching my behaviour and mood and feeling able making rational good decisions with slow precision and trying/wanting to move forward and closer to understanding and being ‘well.’ But absolutely petrified also. The last thing I want is to become unbalanced, being unbalanced makes me feel very unwell because I’ve given into the depression. Not understanding this condition for so many years has caused me to feel like giving into my depression is familiar and a coping strategy so trying to change that in my head is like telling me the sky is yellow!

I need therapy for this. Therapy that will teach me the way you ‘should’ feel. How you should feel toward depression and mental illness. Essentially how do I fight it because I want so badly for it to go away and being on top of something all the time is draining leaving not much else for anything else.

I’m able to make small decisions toward helping me get back on my feet and evaluate my behaviour and not explode anywhere near as much as before, if at all. Lots of paranoid thinking has been diminished. I often wonder why I’m not exploding but that’s because rational thinking is now taking place as I’ve been lifted out the hole I was in. Im able to retain information and my memory has improved and I feel shocked to think of how badly I’d gotten over 15 years, 4 big episodes, 3 rapid cycling before I was treated and diagnosed as Bipolar.

Currently I am feeling balanced. Only sensations of irritability or emotion have come from the change in pill (combined to Yasmin pill) I know when these are a direct effect from my hormones swirling around. When it’s unmanaged you can’t see the difference and being able to point these differences out now is very empowering.

I think I have a lot of things to catch up on and relearn over the next 6 months. It’s been an eclectic decade for me but I’m sincerely hoping that the next one will be much calmer and dare I say it. Balanced and full of achievement.

Never give up. Have faith.

Love Squishy



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