So here it comes, without me really realizing it, I am going to turn 30 in a couple of weeks. My journey of mental instability began at the tender age of 14/15 and its only over the last 6 months that I have felt more balanced and safe in my head than ever before. I had always felt that I wanted to be well or at least in recovery before I hit 30’s.
I’m pleased with the progress of my Mental Health since beginning treatment. I’m pleased that after 6 months I’ve managed to pull myself out of a dark year long depression and the medication takes away mostly my thoughts and racing head, ups and downs and instability. I do have some anxiety but that’s pretty normal. It is harder to feel emotions I admit, they’re dulled a tad from the meds, but from having them overwhelm me all my life its like a million pound lottery win. Being able to go about my day to day function without being harassed and bullied by my mental health is liberating for me.
I know there is still much more to do. I haven’t engaged properly in therapy for a long time with being so scatty, unwell and all over the place. I’m not thinking everything is peachy but I do have positive feelings that encourage my thought that perhaps, just perhaps there is a way out. I won’t always have to be trapped with those experiences that I couldn’t control. They were OUT of control and I didn’t have a grasp at all. Coming to terms with this and being diagnosed as Bipolar has changed my outlook and view of life entirely. I can’t live like I used too as that’s a death sentence for me.
I’m now able to work through things like never before. Settling on medication has brought me stability as I slowly begin to work through all the parts of me that I considered broken. Personality issues don’t fade just because your medicated. You can just handle it better. I’m still unsure, I wait for the drop to come. Surely I couldn’t be this balanced for that long? How is it I’m still okay? I don’t want to die, and I’m leaning toward wellness rather than the familiarity of depression dragging me down into its depths and trying to keep me there. Id just become used to how this black lava infiltrated my soul… This was my home.
So for now I vote out of the black hole, the dog, the darkness, whatever you want to call it and I know it will return but this time I will manage it it better and every time henceforth I will manage it better. I’m sure if it grabs me I might feel different but the main change is that I will be striving to make it to the light again, reaching and clawing to get back to where I now know is a balanced place. Where I can feel positive feelings again. Where there is hope.
I used to feel hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless with my mind driving me insane and no hope for the future. Not even hope that I’d survive the next year and vowed if it happens again I’m done. No more… I couldn’t cope. Where there is no hope, there is no fight.
I have hope now. Slowly and surely it begins to work its way around my neurons and injunction with my therapy and medication combination I’m doing well and getting better slowly. My recovery now gives me hope and I hold onto that like gold. My lifeline.
I feel like it gets better.
Never give up.