Lately I’m feeling very frustrated. Perhaps its just the racing thoughts and irritability or that usual empty feeling I’m left with most of the time regardless. The feeling like I want to just get on with my life and forget about this mental health shit. Feeling like I want to get on a train and just travel for hours, meet people I don’t know. Feeling like I want to sit on a rock and stare out to the beautiful surroundings and maybe cry for a little while, go where folks don’t know me. This could be growth. I usually cant deal with much, and the frustration of wanting to move forward but feeling stuck is better than hiding in bed wanting everyone to just fuck off.
I don’t know what makes me feel this way. Most probably my personality disorder to be fair. Since I started Quetiapine life has fallen into a very balanced way. I’m craving excitement, a spending spree, an argument … anything to feel. Rather than this irritability and emotional spurts. I just want to let go underneath and feel ‘normal.’
I desperately want to grow into a well balanced human being. Over the last few weeks after Christmas i have felt completely redundant in life. I managed to handle Christmas well for the first time ever really. Everyone got a present, I thought about everyone. Its over now and there’s nothing to look forward too. No structure. I’m currently waiting for my driving license to be returned so I can get a car to help me become more independent. I’m cautious, I declared my bipolar to them.. and now its a waiting game. One that will upset me if it returns with a no.
I have a self confidence course to go on at a college that does residential stays. I’m nervous about this and rather than looking forward to it, I’m so concerned about my medication, times to be awake and whether I can manage it. I have to go, as I have to rebuild my personality after 15 years of untreated mental health. I must do these things to get well.
Sometimes, I just don’t want to think about all of this. Sometimes I want to let go and not know that afterward will be a major clean up operation to get balanced again. I want to have fun, experience life and build friendships. All of this is so hard for me. Everything
I’ve known over the years seems so far away from where I am now and I just don’t know who ‘me’ is anymore.
Sitting in this place of waiting, questioning and soul searching is difficult. I just want to be normal for a while. I don’t want this struggle anymore. Sometimes it sucks all the life out of me that I can’t just ‘be’
This too shall pass.