Frustrated

Lately I’m feeling very frustrated. Perhaps its just the racing thoughts and irritability or that usual empty feeling I’m left with most of the time regardless. The feeling like I want to just get on with my life and forget about this mental health shit. Feeling like I want to get on a train and just travel for hours, meet people I don’t know. Feeling like I want to sit on a rock and stare out to the beautiful surroundings and maybe cry for a little while, go where folks don’t know me. This could be growth. I usually cant deal with much, and the frustration of wanting to move forward but feeling stuck is better than hiding in bed wanting everyone to just fuck off.

I don’t know what makes me feel this way. Most probably my personality disorder to be fair. Since I started Quetiapine life has fallen into a very balanced way. I’m craving excitement, a spending spree, an argument … anything to feel. Rather than this irritability and emotional spurts. I just want to let go underneath and feel ‘normal.’

I desperately want to grow into a well balanced human being. Over the last few weeks after Christmas i have felt completely redundant in life. I managed to handle Christmas well for the first time ever really. Everyone got a present, I thought about everyone. Its over now and there’s nothing to look forward too. No structure. I’m currently waiting for my driving license to be returned so I can get a car to help me become more independent. I’m cautious, I declared my bipolar to them.. and now its a waiting game. One that will upset me if it returns with a no.

I have a self confidence course to go on at a college that does residential stays. I’m nervous about this and rather than looking forward to it, I’m so concerned about my medication, times to be awake and whether I can manage it. I have to go, as I have to rebuild my personality after 15 years of untreated mental health. I must do these things to get well.

Sometimes, I just don’t want to think about all of this. Sometimes I want to let go and not know that afterward will be a major clean up operation to get balanced again. I want to have fun, experience life and build friendships. All of this is so hard for me. Everything
I’ve known over the years seems so far away from where I am now and I just don’t know who ‘me’ is anymore.

Sitting in this place of waiting, questioning and soul searching is difficult. I just want to be normal for a while. I don’t want this struggle anymore. Sometimes it sucks all the life out of me that I can’t just ‘be’

This too shall pass.

#squishysays
#mental health

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2 thoughts on “Frustrated

  1. Sometimes we talk so much i dont realise how much you feel when you tell me these things. Reading your blog helps me to look at you more emotionally rather than diligently and this made me want to give you a cuddle, tell you I love you and that it’s all going to be okay. Xxx

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