It feels like.. 

It feels like disassociation when I can’t quite get a grip. When I can’t stop smoking and find it impossible to feel the motivation to ‘take control’ like I did running upto Christmas. Floating through life. 

My social abilities are to be desired. Suffering quietly with severe anxiety and panic. Struggling with motivation, getting fatter is not helping and not feeling like I can’t take control of the situation is leaving me pretty flat and low. 

This where my personality disorder and bipolar clash. Constant feelings of low self esteem, low confidence and a disinterest in life itself. Keeping me longer in the lull that’s supposed to be just for the first few weeks after the holiday season. 

I have always had this feeling. Like I’m waiting for my life to carry on. It’s a cycle, I’ve lived with it for years. Obsession then depression. I always feel so ‘into’ my latest obsession. It makes me feel soooooooo good as opposed to the empty depression that always comes after. It’s like in deadpool where you get just enough air to be alive and then periods of oxygen. It’s the relief I’m referring too. 

Emotional and unstable. Yet with my medication all this happens inwardly. I implode rather than Explode and I’m depressed but not suicidal. This I think highlights a bit of an improvement. Exploding always causes me so much trouble with family and friends and being able to contain that is something that I am greatful for. 

So I really hope my motivation comes back around soon and some happier feelings return because I’m feeling tired of fighting this and smoking is a vicious circle. 

It feels like I’m waiting again and I’m trapped inside this sadness waiting for the clouds to break so I can chase the sun. 

I love the sun. 

#squishysays

#Nevergiveup

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