I don’t always get late night irritability. Usually my meds kick in and take me away to a sound enough sleep. Not tonight though, tonight I’m awake trying to make sense of my loud brain. Perhaps I’m subconsciously cautious to sleep, I have had nightnares for 3 nights in a row.
Over the weekend I stayed in a residential college to go on my first ever confidence course. It was fantastic and compared to the blues I’ve had over the last month this was a breathe of fresh air to me.
Exploring at a level I can understand and working with others has done me a world of good. Immersing myself into a school/college environment reminded me of some of the educational goals I used to have and how I’ve moved so far away from that in my life now. It was quite the eye opener.
Feeling high from the weekend I ended up ranting and raving on the last two evenings as I’ve been coming back down to earth and to what feels like my own purposeless reality. It’s not really so empty but sometimes it feels that way whilst I’m waiting to move forward in life.
Creating your own destiny isn’t as easy as it looks and maintaining that with confidence and motivation isn’t my forte when the odds are that I’m depressed 95% of the time. I’m hoping that given some more time on my medication, more classes for recovery and weekends at the residential I might even start the journey of truly finding myself.
I despise feeling irritable. You know, that sensation you can’t shake off. Like boredom but worse. A niggling something that’s unsettled inside and manifesting in my veins like my blood is boiling and short tempered with a sharp tongue.
I toss and turn trying to feel tired, so many thoughts buzzing about my head into a silent white noise that you can’t decipher so it just feels uncomfortable. Until eventually I just fall asleep and it’s like it never happened.
I wonder what dreams wicked this way comes?
#squishysays #latenight #musings #mentalhealth