Pondering.. 

If I don’t accept feelings I have then I can never work on improving them. 

I notice, when I’ve feel like I have triggered in some way my head races, negative thinking happens, I’m pessimistic, worries turn into daydreams and I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. Touch is too much, and I withdraw back into myself and think of the past. It comes with a sense of confusion making me feel frustrated and agitated with those around me. I feel paranoid, I’m on edge and grief is closer to me than any other emotion and it’s a really emotionally scary place to be. 

I’ve been drinking for a few days with the underlying urge to loose control. Indulging in a bit of gambling, smoking far too much dope and generally playing the avoidance of my own emotions game. I seem to do this so very much. 

I find it super hard to determine and analyse my own behaviour. It’s so difficult from being the one to analyse to then being the one in the chair. My defense systems spike at every perceived threat, it’s difficult to open up and to acknowledge my own feelings again and then share them.

There is pain in my past. Something grates my heart. As I’m slowly getting used to the idea of people peeking into my soul to help, I can’t help flare up everytime I feel offended or attacked at a perceived rejection or threat to my balance. 

At the moment I don’t feel too great. Feel like all my feathers have been ruffled and I’m having to think about things I’d rather not. The time is set up for me to go through this therapy but I’m not gonna lie its very hard and I feel like I need to stop resisiting and getting with the program.

It doesn’t feel good in meantime but I’m working on it. Drinking is probably not helping. Detox next week. 

#SquishySays

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