To the place I belong…

Bipolar affects my mood. A consistent down period lasting longer than a week and upto months when not knocked out of it either by medication or an upswing of mood.  I’ve been noticing this mood for over a month now and its not lifting. It began with failing my driving test. I could feel myself hanging on for the last bit of give I had in me before giving up again. The cycle of my moods desperately trying to make me fall into the darkness.

It sounds pathetic, but I do. I give up into a sea of hopelessness and worthlessness. I find myself ignoring life, feeling unable to participate, unable to put effort into anything. My internal dial tone is flat. I can’t experience pleasure in any activities that don’t involve dissapearing into dissasociation. I feel grief at the top of all my emotions, carrying it around with my like a heavy sack. My weight to bear.

There isn’t much in this space that helps. It all feels like I’m battling to something I’ve already given into inside. No fight for it.. just letting it win. Everytime. The darkness feels like it will never leave me, it will always be inside my brain like a bee. Buzzing around and making me feel like death.

Death is a funny thing. In this space I can talk about it until the cows come home. It feels normal like the next stage to make it all stop. I’m not sucidal at the moment but I would take a guess its on its way if my mood deterioates me. Thank god I have numbers to call and a medical team on my case. I can always be safe even when my thoughts try to make me feel otherwise.

How to explain to people that you just don’t care. That you’re apathetic to everything. That its not personal. That you care inside but its hell to get it out. You can hear music spinning around you brain, earwormed as it fuels the feeling of depression. Even feeling that shitty I regress a little. Listening to disney songs and music, finding comfort in that sensation of feeling small and protected.

I used to recognize myself, used to understand where I was headed. These days I have no idea. The path I once chose makes no sense to me anymore. I find no comfort in control, in ownership and in submission. This life is no longer what I seek, but I don’t have a clue what else I’m supposed to seek, where is my drive supposed to be?

Who am I supposed to be?

#bestfakesmile
#squishysays

 

 

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