I’m doing alright. All things considered, I’m actually doing alright.
I seemed to sail through the first two weeks of the medication decrease. Probably waiting for my body and mind to catch up that a change is happening. From the first day of not taking it, I felt less sedated in the day and woke up seemingly more refreshed. A perceived rejection sent me spiralling into a bad place at the end of the week two. However with knowledge and talking it out I managed to overcome the trigger and climb back up to normal mood ready for week four. Getting faster and faster at catching these moments and rationalising them back to a balanced level. A week is probably my fastest turnaround.
I’ve had to take more Pregabalin to manage the feelings of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. I can definitely feel more. I’m incredibly empathetic to people at heart and this is showing more and when dealing with an emotionally tough situation I can feel the physical anxiety almost beat out my chest. My breath quickens and I almost pant. It’s difficult and so I slink away and try to calm the sensation of panic by using my breathing techniques. I don’t want to lose control when its’ me at the helm and not the safety of the antipsychotic. These things are at a manageable level.
I’m hoping that these moments of feeling overwhelmed will slowly become more manageable and easier to move through and get past. I’ve been on the drug Seroquel (quetiapine) for over a year and a half and so I do feel dependant on the safety that it provides. IT’s a very scary prospect trying to withdraw from it but I know that its’ time for this.
My breakdown a few years ago really set me up for a journey of education, psychology and pulling everything about me apart. I’ve delved so deep into the mechanics of my behaviour, intentions and explored my hugely dissasociative nature. My grief, my history, my parents, my upbringing, my relationships. The way I view the world, My life and the way I choose to lead my life and indulge in what I do. It changed everything for me and I’ve not been the same since.
Therapy has been the defining feature to my recovery. Being able to be safe and explore myself and also have 6 mirrors looking back at you to help you see. Group therapy for what its worth, is worth keeping with. We’ve had a few members come and go. It’s hard to be on that level, to have enough space between emotion and reaction to begin to pull apart behaviours and relationships to fully understand what we trigger from and why. Defenses are always up and barriers to breaking through a bad situation.
Triggers are apart of BPD. Rejection, abandonment, perceived or real. I suffer from them, albeit I have smashed apart my brain in order to make sense of the emotional instability I had raging inside of me.
So on Sunday, I’ll be into month 2 and hopefully, life will become more brighter, more colourful and a little easier. I’m trying to have hope, when usually I have none. I’m returning from the heap pile and proudly walking back along the road to myself.
Finally seeing that I’m important.
Finally seeing that I matter.
Finally seeing that I’m worth it…
This is Me.