4 weeks in.

I’m doing alright. All things considered, I’m actually doing alright.

I seemed to sail through the first two weeks of the medication decrease. Probably waiting for my body and mind to catch up that a change is happening. From the first day of not taking it, I felt less sedated in the day and woke up seemingly more refreshed. A perceived rejection sent me spiralling into a bad place at the end of the week two. However with knowledge and talking it out I managed to overcome the trigger and climb back up to normal mood ready for week four. Getting faster and faster at catching these moments and rationalising them back to a balanced level. A week is probably my fastest turnaround.

I’ve had to take more Pregabalin to manage the feelings of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. I can definitely feel more. I’m incredibly empathetic to people at heart and this is showing more and when dealing with an emotionally tough situation I can feel the physical anxiety almost beat out my chest. My breath quickens and I almost pant. It’s difficult and so I slink away and try to calm the sensation of panic by using my breathing techniques. I don’t want to lose control when its’ me at the helm and not the safety of the antipsychotic. These things are at a manageable level.

I’m hoping that these moments of feeling overwhelmed will slowly become more manageable and easier to move through and get past. I’ve been on the drug Seroquel (quetiapine) for over a year and a half and so I do feel dependant on the safety that it provides. IT’s a very scary prospect trying to withdraw from it but I know that its’ time for this.

My breakdown a few years ago really set me up for a journey of education, psychology and pulling everything about me apart. I’ve delved so deep into the mechanics of my behaviour, intentions and explored my hugely dissasociative nature. My grief, my history, my parents, my upbringing, my relationships. The way I view the world, My life and the way I choose to lead my life and indulge in what I do. It changed everything for me and I’ve not been the same since.

Therapy has been the defining feature to my recovery. Being able to be safe and explore myself and also have 6 mirrors looking back at you to help you see. Group therapy for what its worth, is worth keeping with. We’ve had a few members come and go. It’s hard to be on that level, to have enough space between emotion and reaction to begin to pull apart behaviours and relationships to fully understand what we trigger from and why. Defenses are always up and barriers to breaking through a bad situation.

Triggers are apart of BPD. Rejection, abandonment, perceived or real. I suffer from them, albeit I have smashed apart my brain in order to make sense of the emotional instability I had raging inside of me.

So on Sunday, I’ll be into month 2 and hopefully, life will become more brighter, more colourful and a little easier. I’m trying to have hope, when usually I have none. I’m returning from the heap pile and proudly walking back along the road to myself.

Finally seeing that I’m important.
Finally seeing that I matter.
Finally seeing that I’m worth it…

…not worthless.
This is Me.

#squishysays
#mentalhealthmatters
#havefaith
#climbingup

 

Advertisements

Waves

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been riding the waves of my depression and fighting off an episode. Luckily I think I’m through the worst of it and feeling more able to look outward and not be so self-focused. It is so unbelievably tiring to fight this mental anguish that I can’t seem to get away from. Like I’m trapped in this world and don’t have a clue how to handle myself in it. I’m frozen, its hard to move, hard to believe, in anything especially myself. 

When your core feelings are that you are nothing how do you change this? All the memes in the world and all the love still doesn’t cover this feeling. This sensation of feeling lost, tired and heavy. No desire to do anything, to change, no desire to be alive.

After weeks of thoughts of suicide being prevalent, it feels like rising from death and trying to force myself to feel alive. Why doesn’t anything make me feel alive anymore? Why is it that I can’t find the same excitement about MY life, about being a better individual. To grow, change, move, evolve…  Why do I feel like I’m incapable of becoming anything? Why do I just give up and allow defeat? 

I’ve stopped trying. Life is very different for me now. Its empty, void of passion and flames. Over the last decade I have been intensely obsessed with being a submissive and having a Dominant. Nothing else mattered but this in my heart. I found myself immersed and lost to the cruel highs and lows that having an intense relationship like this provides. Jumping from one to the next I have been through the mill over the years and I think its catching up with me. Everything that I had been avoiding; my own thoughts, my own feelings. The reasons I gave my submission away in the first place. To feel safe.

Now I know that I feel unsafe in the world without feeling like there is a more adulter adult around me. I struggle to stand in my shoes and just be myself. I have always felt an anxiety within me which I now recognize as being fear of the unknown. It is intense though, I really am scared inside.

I am full of hate. So much energy goes into hating myself. How do I turn this into love?

When the chaos simmers and all goes quiet, the meds are working and you are left with this void inside. This empty, full of hatred and angry hole. I fill it with spending, smoking pot, hating, binge watching tv, anything that avoids the painful sensations and feelings that come with facing it. Facing the confused and broken child within me and the complex mental health issues I have.

I’m starting to see that it is only myself that can change anything. Facing my feelings and trying. That’s the main important step to this process of recovery I’m getting ready to embark upon. Recognising when the blame shifts from my myself to the illness. When I give away power every time I let it take over and just give up. Every time I believe that I’m not good enough, every time I think that I’m nothing.

Its time to work on me and to try and love myself before not loving myself ruins it all.

#squishysays

 

Finding Myself

I’m hidden somewhere inside. There is a version of me I never became, a version that never had the chance to develop and grow and is essentially stunted.  A version of me that struggles to surface and when it does it becomes overwhelmed and frightened.

I’ve always felt a significant split within me. The fight between keeping control of life at a normal pace or finding myself in the throes of anxiety, depression and grief unable to take the reins. This has always been my biggest problem. I have fought for years to understand why this happens to me, feeling like it is something I can’t control or change and is out of my hands.

I have always thought the part of me which tried to always carry on was the well part of me and every time I broke down or couldn’t cope I’d believe I was poorly. However, I think I’ve been looking at it from the wrong angle.

I am most connected to my feelings when I am ‘poorly’ but I associate it with negativity because I become overwhelmed and super sensitive. Denying this part of me for so many years I have unknowingly created a version of me that was able to put on the face and pretend subconsciously that I wasn’t poorly or suffering with anything at all.

Maybe more awareness of this will allow my parts to intregate further and move forward as one.

Food for thought, only time would tell.

#squishysays

Taking Seroquel: Expect This

A year ago I didn’t relate to this. After this year I totally do. Harumf.

Living Manic Depressive

You are going to sleep a lot!

If you are planning to take Seroquel, expect that you are going to sleep an awful lot. So much so, that you should assume that you won’t be able to do anything for 5-7 days after you start taking it. No office work, no social activities, no house work. Not even little everyday tasks.

The only thing I did in the first five days is sleep, stagger groggily around the house, sleep more, feed the dogs, eat, and then take meds and go back to sleep. Really. For five days. 

View original post 1,829 more words

Dissociation

I’ve come to a new understanding of some of my behaviours recently. I disassociate from life at every turn even when I’m unaware of it happening. I failed my driving test and automatically my body disassociated emotionally from the fear of the emotional disappointment and I just mulled along in this empty emotional space for a couple of weeks until something happened to shock me into actually feeling like I’m in the driving seat and alive again.

This is how I experience everything. I take days to process life, events and emotions. I disassociate so much that at the times it happens I feel like i’m just going through the motions and i’m not really making active decisions or feeling anything at all.

I smoke drugs and I drink when an opportunity arises to do so. A go to habit. Daily smoking and socially drinking. I feel myself out of control underneath my calm exterior trying to avoid emotion, doing what I can to feel numb myself to feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I am afraid of my own emotions. I really was quite crazy before the meds! This version of me is vulnerable, and unable to cope very well.

The other version of me is very capable of dealing with life’s ins and outs. When I feel strong I’m able to take on most things and feel able to grow and evolve naturally in my environment. My ability to process information and emotional issues increases and I generally feel lighter and less tortured by my sadistic intrusive mind. I feel like the splitting inside me is fundamentally cemented into my habits through so many years of disassociating without realising.

I used to think that my particular type of downs were unusual even from being very young. Other people dealt with things so much better than I did. Every time I returned back to my reality from being in a different place I began to have emotional outbursts and meltdowns. So I once again began to disassociate to deal with it, without even really realising on a conscious level .. Everything at home is forgotten about, I watch television even though I have a thousand things to be doing. Going hungry instead of walking to the shop when you have money. Not showering for a couple of weeks because you can’t bear the sensation on your skin and being clean feels too good for someone like me. Being dirty helps add into the feeling that I’m nothing. Self loathing is truly out to get me on most days. Its’ these times where I sit feeling guilty but I still don’t get up and do anything. Stuck in some sort of loop.

Its’ taken 20 years for me to realise that actually I have been and am suffering with a long lasting mental illness. This has been so hard to swallow and to process. The other part of me always wanted to keep on going. Get education, get a job, achieve, work. This part of me loathes the weaker side to my personality and has very much so made it super hard to accept my illness, blocking me at every turn encouraging me to stay still, where its safe in the familiar, safe in the darkness. I’ve felt at times like I’ve hated the weaker side, blamed it for ruining our progress in moving forward, in achieving self worth. No matter how hard I try to ‘be’ the person I think I should be it always ends in a looped depression of pain, self loathing, hatred, guilt and blame. So much blame.

As reintegration happens I have felt the awareness of these sides dramatically improve and in the therapy I am in at the moment, (the one day program) I have come to understand that they are there. I’m either driving as a vulnerable child or I’m a responsible adult taking on my shit happily and trying to move forward. I hope at the end of all this therapy I manage to become whole again instead of feeling so fragmented inside.

#Squishysays