Over the last couple of months, I’ve been riding the waves of my depression and fighting off an episode. Luckily I think I’m through the worst of it and feeling more able to look outward and not be so self-focused. It is so unbelievably tiring to fight this mental anguish that I can’t seem to get away from. Like I’m trapped in this world and don’t have a clue how to handle myself in it. I’m frozen, its hard to move, hard to believe, in anything especially myself. 

When your core feelings are that you are nothing how do you change this? All the memes in the world and all the love still doesn’t cover this feeling. This sensation of feeling lost, tired and heavy. No desire to do anything, to change, no desire to be alive.

After weeks of thoughts of suicide being prevalent, it feels like rising from death and trying to force myself to feel alive. Why doesn’t anything make me feel alive anymore? Why is it that I can’t find the same excitement about MY life, about being a better individual. To grow, change, move, evolve…  Why do I feel like I’m incapable of becoming anything? Why do I just give up and allow defeat? 

I’ve stopped trying. Life is very different for me now. Its empty, void of passion and flames. Over the last decade I have been intensely obsessed with being a submissive and having a Dominant. Nothing else mattered but this in my heart. I found myself immersed and lost to the cruel highs and lows that having an intense relationship like this provides. Jumping from one to the next I have been through the mill over the years and I think its catching up with me. Everything that I had been avoiding; my own thoughts, my own feelings. The reasons I gave my submission away in the first place. To feel safe.

Now I know that I feel unsafe in the world without feeling like there is a more adulter adult around me. I struggle to stand in my shoes and just be myself. I have always felt an anxiety within me which I now recognize as being fear of the unknown. It is intense though, I really am scared inside.

I am full of hate. So much energy goes into hating myself. How do I turn this into love?

When the chaos simmers and all goes quiet, the meds are working and you are left with this void inside. This empty, full of hatred and angry hole. I fill it with spending, smoking pot, hating, binge watching tv, anything that avoids the painful sensations and feelings that come with facing it. Facing the confused and broken child within me and the complex mental health issues I have.

I’m starting to see that it is only myself that can change anything. Facing my feelings and trying. That’s the main important step to this process of recovery I’m getting ready to embark upon. Recognising when the blame shifts from my myself to the illness. When I give away power every time I let it take over and just give up. Every time I believe that I’m not good enough, every time I think that I’m nothing.

Its time to work on me and to try and love myself before not loving myself ruins it all.




Finding Myself

I’m hidden somewhere inside. There is a version of me I never became, a version that never had the chance to develop and grow and is essentially stunted.  A version of me that struggles to surface and when it does it becomes overwhelmed and frightened.

I’ve always felt a significant split within me. The fight between keeping control of life at a normal pace or finding myself in the throes of anxiety, depression and grief unable to take the reins. This has always been my biggest problem. I have fought for years to understand why this happens to me, feeling like it is something I can’t control or change and is out of my hands.

I have always thought the part of me which tried to always carry on was the well part of me and every time I broke down or couldn’t cope I’d believe I was poorly. However, I think I’ve been looking at it from the wrong angle.

I am most connected to my feelings when I am ‘poorly’ but I associate it with negativity because I become overwhelmed and super sensitive. Denying this part of me for so many years I have unknowingly created a version of me that was able to put on the face and pretend subconsciously that I wasn’t poorly or suffering with anything at all.

Maybe more awareness of this will allow my parts to intregate further and move forward as one.

Food for thought, only time would tell.


Taking Seroquel: Expect This

A year ago I didn’t relate to this. After this year I totally do. Harumf.

Living Manic Depressive

You are going to sleep a lot!

If you are planning to take Seroquel, expect that you are going to sleep an awful lot. So much so, that you should assume that you won’t be able to do anything for 5-7 days after you start taking it. No office work, no social activities, no house work. Not even little everyday tasks.

The only thing I did in the first five days is sleep, stagger groggily around the house, sleep more, feed the dogs, eat, and then take meds and go back to sleep. Really. For five days. 

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I’ve come to a new understanding of some of my behaviours recently. I disassociate from life at every turn even when I’m unaware of it happening. I failed my driving test and automatically my body disassociated emotionally from the fear of the emotional disappointment and I just mulled along in this empty emotional space for a couple of weeks until something happened to shock me into actually feeling like I’m in the driving seat and alive again.

This is how I experience everything. I take days to process life, events and emotions. I disassociate so much that at the times it happens I feel like i’m just going through the motions and i’m not really making active decisions or feeling anything at all.

I smoke drugs and I drink when an opportunity arises to do so. A go to habit. Daily smoking and socially drinking. I feel myself out of control underneath my calm exterior trying to avoid emotion, doing what I can to feel numb myself to feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I am afraid of my own emotions. I really was quite crazy before the meds! This version of me is vulnerable, and unable to cope very well.

The other version of me is very capable of dealing with life’s ins and outs. When I feel strong I’m able to take on most things and feel able to grow and evolve naturally in my environment. My ability to process information and emotional issues increases and I generally feel lighter and less tortured by my sadistic intrusive mind. I feel like the splitting inside me is fundamentally cemented into my habits through so many years of disassociating without realising.

I used to think that my particular type of downs were unusual even from being very young. Other people dealt with things so much better than I did. Every time I returned back to my reality from being in a different place I began to have emotional outbursts and meltdowns. So I once again began to disassociate to deal with it, without even really realising on a conscious level .. Everything at home is forgotten about, I watch television even though I have a thousand things to be doing. Going hungry instead of walking to the shop when you have money. Not showering for a couple of weeks because you can’t bear the sensation on your skin and being clean feels too good for someone like me. Being dirty helps add into the feeling that I’m nothing. Self loathing is truly out to get me on most days. Its’ these times where I sit feeling guilty but I still don’t get up and do anything. Stuck in some sort of loop.

Its’ taken 20 years for me to realise that actually I have been and am suffering with a long lasting mental illness. This has been so hard to swallow and to process. The other part of me always wanted to keep on going. Get education, get a job, achieve, work. This part of me loathes the weaker side to my personality and has very much so made it super hard to accept my illness, blocking me at every turn encouraging me to stay still, where its safe in the familiar, safe in the darkness. I’ve felt at times like I’ve hated the weaker side, blamed it for ruining our progress in moving forward, in achieving self worth. No matter how hard I try to ‘be’ the person I think I should be it always ends in a looped depression of pain, self loathing, hatred, guilt and blame. So much blame.

As reintegration happens I have felt the awareness of these sides dramatically improve and in the therapy I am in at the moment, (the one day program) I have come to understand that they are there. I’m either driving as a vulnerable child or I’m a responsible adult taking on my shit happily and trying to move forward. I hope at the end of all this therapy I manage to become whole again instead of feeling so fragmented inside.


To the place I belong…

Bipolar affects my mood. A consistent down period lasting longer than a week and upto months when not knocked out of it either by medication or an upswing of mood.  I’ve been noticing this mood for over a month now and its not lifting. It began with failing my driving test. I could feel myself hanging on for the last bit of give I had in me before giving up again. The cycle of my moods desperately trying to make me fall into the darkness.

It sounds pathetic, but I do. I give up into a sea of hopelessness and worthlessness. I find myself ignoring life, feeling unable to participate, unable to put effort into anything. My internal dial tone is flat. I can’t experience pleasure in any activities that don’t involve dissapearing into dissasociation. I feel grief at the top of all my emotions, carrying it around with my like a heavy sack. My weight to bear.

There isn’t much in this space that helps. It all feels like I’m battling to something I’ve already given into inside. No fight for it.. just letting it win. Everytime. The darkness feels like it will never leave me, it will always be inside my brain like a bee. Buzzing around and making me feel like death.

Death is a funny thing. In this space I can talk about it until the cows come home. It feels normal like the next stage to make it all stop. I’m not sucidal at the moment but I would take a guess its on its way if my mood deterioates me. Thank god I have numbers to call and a medical team on my case. I can always be safe even when my thoughts try to make me feel otherwise.

How to explain to people that you just don’t care. That you’re apathetic to everything. That its not personal. That you care inside but its hell to get it out. You can hear music spinning around you brain, earwormed as it fuels the feeling of depression. Even feeling that shitty I regress a little. Listening to disney songs and music, finding comfort in that sensation of feeling small and protected.

I used to recognize myself, used to understand where I was headed. These days I have no idea. The path I once chose makes no sense to me anymore. I find no comfort in control, in ownership and in submission. This life is no longer what I seek, but I don’t have a clue what else I’m supposed to seek, where is my drive supposed to be?

Who am I supposed to be?





If I don’t accept feelings I have then I can never work on improving them. 

I notice, when I’ve feel like I have triggered in some way my head races, negative thinking happens, I’m pessimistic, worries turn into daydreams and I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. Touch is too much, and I withdraw back into myself and think of the past. It comes with a sense of confusion making me feel frustrated and agitated with those around me. I feel paranoid, I’m on edge and grief is closer to me than any other emotion and it’s a really emotionally scary place to be. 

I’ve been drinking for a few days with the underlying urge to loose control. Indulging in a bit of gambling, smoking far too much dope and generally playing the avoidance of my own emotions game. I seem to do this so very much. 

I find it super hard to determine and analyse my own behaviour. It’s so difficult from being the one to analyse to then being the one in the chair. My defense systems spike at every perceived threat, it’s difficult to open up and to acknowledge my own feelings again and then share them.

There is pain in my past. Something grates my heart. As I’m slowly getting used to the idea of people peeking into my soul to help, I can’t help flare up everytime I feel offended or attacked at a perceived rejection or threat to my balance. 

At the moment I don’t feel too great. Feel like all my feathers have been ruffled and I’m having to think about things I’d rather not. The time is set up for me to go through this therapy but I’m not gonna lie its very hard and I feel like I need to stop resisiting and getting with the program.

It doesn’t feel good in meantime but I’m working on it. Drinking is probably not helping. Detox next week.