Finding Myself

I’m hidden somewhere inside. There is a version of me I never became, a version that never had the chance to develop and grow and is essentially stunted.  A version of me that struggles to surface and when it does it becomes overwhelmed and frightened.

I’ve always felt a significant split within me. The fight between keeping control of life at a normal pace or finding myself in the throes of anxiety, depression and grief unable to take the reins. This has always been my biggest problem. I have fought for years to understand why this happens to me, feeling like it is something I can’t control or change and is out of my hands.

I have always thought the part of me which tried to always carry on was the well part of me and every time I broke down or couldn’t cope I’d believe I was poorly. However, I think I’ve been looking at it from the wrong angle.

I am most connected to my feelings when I am ‘poorly’ but I associate it with negativity because I become overwhelmed and super sensitive. Denying this part of me for so many years I have unknowingly created a version of me that was able to put on the face and pretend subconsciously that I wasn’t poorly or suffering with anything at all.

Maybe more awareness of this will allow my parts to intregate further and move forward as one.

Food for thought, only time would tell.

#squishysays

Advertisements

Taking Seroquel: Expect This

A year ago I didn’t relate to this. After this year I totally do. Harumf.

Living Manic Depressive

You are going to sleep a lot!

If you are planning to take Seroquel, expect that you are going to sleep an awful lot. So much so, that you should assume that you won’t be able to do anything for 5-7 days after you start taking it. No office work, no social activities, no house work. Not even little everyday tasks.

The only thing I did in the first five days is sleep, stagger groggily around the house, sleep more, feed the dogs, eat, and then take meds and go back to sleep. Really. For five days. 

View original post 1,829 more words

Dissociation

I’ve come to a new understanding of some of my behaviours recently. I disassociate from life at every turn even when I’m unaware of it happening. I failed my driving test and automatically my body disassociated emotionally from the fear of the emotional disappointment and I just mulled along in this empty emotional space for a couple of weeks until something happened to shock me into actually feeling like I’m in the driving seat and alive again.

This is how I experience everything. I take days to process life, events and emotions. I disassociate so much that at the times it happens I feel like i’m just going through the motions and i’m not really making active decisions or feeling anything at all.

I smoke drugs and I drink when an opportunity arises to do so. A go to habit. Daily smoking and socially drinking. I feel myself out of control underneath my calm exterior trying to avoid emotion, doing what I can to feel numb myself to feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I am afraid of my own emotions. I really was quite crazy before the meds! This version of me is vulnerable, and unable to cope very well.

The other version of me is very capable of dealing with life’s ins and outs. When I feel strong I’m able to take on most things and feel able to grow and evolve naturally in my environment. My ability to process information and emotional issues increases and I generally feel lighter and less tortured by my sadistic intrusive mind. I feel like the splitting inside me is fundamentally cemented into my habits through so many years of disassociating without realising.

I used to think that my particular type of downs were unusual even from being very young. Other people dealt with things so much better than I did. Every time I returned back to my reality from being in a different place I began to have emotional outbursts and meltdowns. So I once again began to disassociate to deal with it, without even really realising on a conscious level .. Everything at home is forgotten about, I watch television even though I have a thousand things to be doing. Going hungry instead of walking to the shop when you have money. Not showering for a couple of weeks because you can’t bear the sensation on your skin and being clean feels too good for someone like me. Being dirty helps add into the feeling that I’m nothing. Self loathing is truly out to get me on most days. Its’ these times where I sit feeling guilty but I still don’t get up and do anything. Stuck in some sort of loop.

Its’ taken 20 years for me to realise that actually I have been and am suffering with a long lasting mental illness. This has been so hard to swallow and to process. The other part of me always wanted to keep on going. Get education, get a job, achieve, work. This part of me loathes the weaker side to my personality and has very much so made it super hard to accept my illness, blocking me at every turn encouraging me to stay still, where its safe in the familiar, safe in the darkness. I’ve felt at times like I’ve hated the weaker side, blamed it for ruining our progress in moving forward, in achieving self worth. No matter how hard I try to ‘be’ the person I think I should be it always ends in a looped depression of pain, self loathing, hatred, guilt and blame. So much blame.

As reintegration happens I have felt the awareness of these sides dramatically improve and in the therapy I am in at the moment, (the one day program) I have come to understand that they are there. I’m either driving as a vulnerable child or I’m a responsible adult taking on my shit happily and trying to move forward. I hope at the end of all this therapy I manage to become whole again instead of feeling so fragmented inside.

#Squishysays

To the place I belong…

Bipolar affects my mood. A consistent down period lasting longer than a week and upto months when not knocked out of it either by medication or an upswing of mood.  I’ve been noticing this mood for over a month now and its not lifting. It began with failing my driving test. I could feel myself hanging on for the last bit of give I had in me before giving up again. The cycle of my moods desperately trying to make me fall into the darkness.

It sounds pathetic, but I do. I give up into a sea of hopelessness and worthlessness. I find myself ignoring life, feeling unable to participate, unable to put effort into anything. My internal dial tone is flat. I can’t experience pleasure in any activities that don’t involve dissapearing into dissasociation. I feel grief at the top of all my emotions, carrying it around with my like a heavy sack. My weight to bear.

There isn’t much in this space that helps. It all feels like I’m battling to something I’ve already given into inside. No fight for it.. just letting it win. Everytime. The darkness feels like it will never leave me, it will always be inside my brain like a bee. Buzzing around and making me feel like death.

Death is a funny thing. In this space I can talk about it until the cows come home. It feels normal like the next stage to make it all stop. I’m not sucidal at the moment but I would take a guess its on its way if my mood deterioates me. Thank god I have numbers to call and a medical team on my case. I can always be safe even when my thoughts try to make me feel otherwise.

How to explain to people that you just don’t care. That you’re apathetic to everything. That its not personal. That you care inside but its hell to get it out. You can hear music spinning around you brain, earwormed as it fuels the feeling of depression. Even feeling that shitty I regress a little. Listening to disney songs and music, finding comfort in that sensation of feeling small and protected.

I used to recognize myself, used to understand where I was headed. These days I have no idea. The path I once chose makes no sense to me anymore. I find no comfort in control, in ownership and in submission. This life is no longer what I seek, but I don’t have a clue what else I’m supposed to seek, where is my drive supposed to be?

Who am I supposed to be?

#bestfakesmile
#squishysays

 

 

Pondering.. 

If I don’t accept feelings I have then I can never work on improving them. 

I notice, when I’ve feel like I have triggered in some way my head races, negative thinking happens, I’m pessimistic, worries turn into daydreams and I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. Touch is too much, and I withdraw back into myself and think of the past. It comes with a sense of confusion making me feel frustrated and agitated with those around me. I feel paranoid, I’m on edge and grief is closer to me than any other emotion and it’s a really emotionally scary place to be. 

I’ve been drinking for a few days with the underlying urge to loose control. Indulging in a bit of gambling, smoking far too much dope and generally playing the avoidance of my own emotions game. I seem to do this so very much. 

I find it super hard to determine and analyse my own behaviour. It’s so difficult from being the one to analyse to then being the one in the chair. My defense systems spike at every perceived threat, it’s difficult to open up and to acknowledge my own feelings again and then share them.

There is pain in my past. Something grates my heart. As I’m slowly getting used to the idea of people peeking into my soul to help, I can’t help flare up everytime I feel offended or attacked at a perceived rejection or threat to my balance. 

At the moment I don’t feel too great. Feel like all my feathers have been ruffled and I’m having to think about things I’d rather not. The time is set up for me to go through this therapy but I’m not gonna lie its very hard and I feel like I need to stop resisiting and getting with the program.

It doesn’t feel good in meantime but I’m working on it. Drinking is probably not helping. Detox next week. 

#SquishySays

Tackle. It. 

So, we’ve come to terms that there is a problem. Now that problem has been discovered its time to tackle it. 

It’s much harder than you think. What have I come to terms with you wonder ? The bane of every woman’s existence.. Food and weight control. 

Now when you rattle as you walk its difficult to determine how best to go about this without causing much trouble to my routine. Sugar is something that I clearly need, if not in coffee I am searching to find it elsewhere. Baking, sweet treats etc. 

So after a 7 months on the correct medication  I’ve come to be quite a balanced individual. The only problem is I have also put on 3-4 stone. With this comes new problems. Crunching and cramping hips when walking and struggling to do a few things that were never thought of before as my weight has piled on in a short amount of time.

Battling physical ailments alongside the mental distress of feeling like a thin person trapped inside this body is taking its toll and I’m feeling well enough to try and tackle this now. 

Few changes, sweetener instead of sugar dropping those calories. Most things I buy are reduced fat at the moment. The more I work with cooking the more healthier I can cook meals. Looking for some meal replacements for the daytime and drinking water/cordial instead of coke, or Fanta. Next step to try and get used to zero pop for the craving of fizzy. 

There are many different fads I could join but I feel more comfortable changing my lifestyle without the aid of anyone else. The girl and I are slowly making changes and putting thoughts into better eating. 

Aiming to lose 5 stone overall.

Will see how it goes. 

#squishysays