Over the last couple of months, I’ve been riding the waves of my depression and fighting off an episode. Luckily I think I’m through the worst of it and feeling more able to look outward and not be so self-focused. It is so unbelievably tiring to fight this mental anguish that I can’t seem to get away from. Like I’m trapped in this world and don’t have a clue how to handle myself in it. I’m frozen, its hard to move, hard to believe, in anything especially myself.
When your core feelings are that you are nothing how do you change this? All the memes in the world and all the love still doesn’t cover this feeling. This sensation of feeling lost, tired and heavy. No desire to do anything, to change, no desire to be alive.
After weeks of thoughts of suicide being prevalent, it feels like rising from death and trying to force myself to feel alive. Why doesn’t anything make me feel alive anymore? Why is it that I can’t find the same excitement about MY life, about being a better individual. To grow, change, move, evolve… Why do I feel like I’m incapable of becoming anything? Why do I just give up and allow defeat?
I’ve stopped trying. Life is very different for me now. Its empty, void of passion and flames. Over the last decade I have been intensely obsessed with being a submissive and having a Dominant. Nothing else mattered but this in my heart. I found myself immersed and lost to the cruel highs and lows that having an intense relationship like this provides. Jumping from one to the next I have been through the mill over the years and I think its catching up with me. Everything that I had been avoiding; my own thoughts, my own feelings. The reasons I gave my submission away in the first place. To feel safe.
Now I know that I feel unsafe in the world without feeling like there is a more adulter adult around me. I struggle to stand in my shoes and just be myself. I have always felt an anxiety within me which I now recognize as being fear of the unknown. It is intense though, I really am scared inside.
I am full of hate. So much energy goes into hating myself. How do I turn this into love?
When the chaos simmers and all goes quiet, the meds are working and you are left with this void inside. This empty, full of hatred and angry hole. I fill it with spending, smoking pot, hating, binge watching tv, anything that avoids the painful sensations and feelings that come with facing it. Facing the confused and broken child within me and the complex mental health issues I have.
I’m starting to see that it is only myself that can change anything. Facing my feelings and trying. That’s the main important step to this process of recovery I’m getting ready to embark upon. Recognising when the blame shifts from my myself to the illness. When I give away power every time I let it take over and just give up. Every time I believe that I’m not good enough, every time I think that I’m nothing.
Its time to work on me and to try and love myself before not loving myself ruins it all.