I waited for months.
I had become bored and lazy, useless with an ability to achieve nothing. I was beginning to hate myself for the lack of anything I get done. My memory was dire, I often forgot my sentence half way through it and felt embarrassed everytime I asked a friend to remind me of what it is we were talking about. I’m huge, I gained 6 stone in my journey with Quetiapine and it’s impossible to shift. The hunger is irrisistable and strong.
I felt like nothing really bothered me either, I had a handle on my relationships, my inner sense of calm was growing although still I was confined to spaces I know or at home hibernating but I’ve been balanced and after enduring a lifetime of unrest it’s been a welcome break to feel like a ‘normal’ human. Still, I knew I have yet to engage with the outside world.
So I waited, talking about it with friends and family. Before Christmas I had the appointment. It’s a testament to my balance at how long I patiently waited to visit my physch, to discuss the potential of me reducing meds, aching for more passion and fire which I didn’t feel whilst under the Quetiapine haze. She agreed, and explained that I may not feel a 50mg drop and so I took the prescription and happily exchanged it for my new lower dose.
I was excited. I really wanted to come down from this potent drug. I felt strong enough to face it, even through Christmas. However this is not what transpired.
From day one I felt anxiety. In my chest, shaking in my fingers, butterflies in my stomach causing a nauseous sensation in my throat. I pushed through as it felt like I had stepped out of the fog and into a more present version of myself. It felt like I could feel again.
Then the arguments came, being on edge all the time with a constant flow of anxiety contributed to my behaviour. I felt jealousy, I lashed out. I argued and got highly emotional creating huge messes in my interpersonal relationships. I felt unsafe from day one. A sense that something is going to go wrong, something bad is going to happen and I won’t be able to cope with it. Panic jumping into my chest and flapping, my breathe short and fast, I think I’m going to black out, my eyes blur and I feel dizzy. It’s just anxiety, I tried to ride it out.
More fights, busy Christmas, struggling to be alone, struggling not to be alone struggling with dark thoughts as they start to penetrate my consciousness. Drama in the new year only pushing me further to fall even though I’m so close regardless. I can’t hold on and I’m really far away from feeling balanced.
I begin to ache, wasps in my brain. A longing inside me, an unjust crime. I’m hurt, grief striken and I just want to die. I’m aching for something to take me away, angry with the potential of having to live another 50 years in this world, in this head.
I can’t tolerate anything. I have nothing to give as my ability to take input overloads and I’m unable to function. I can’t shower.. 6.. 7 days. I’m sore because I’m unclean. I’m crying and I’m craving to sit in a bath so I can cry in peace. I can’t eat, food disgusts me, the anxiety takes that from me.
I break, I’m a mess. I haven’t posted my forms or been to the pharmacy or achieved anything except to cradle my brain in attempt to cool its cruel attacks on me.
I gave in, I made the decision to up again. Taking some immediate release in the day and my extended release on the evening I instantly felt my body relax from the anxiety. I slept, for hours and hours, exhausted from weeks of being on the edge, lost in fight or flight.
It’s been a few days now and I am beginning to feel like myself again and the familiar feeling of safety has returned and I feel a little traumared from the whole experience. I had read a lot, so many people advised that it’s a nightmare to get off and I think I might have to agree.
My next appointment is in April, so I figure that I will try again then with a bit more preparation and a bit more practised resilience.
I’m definitely not ready to go back to work yet. I feel very much still in recovery and now recovering from that experience!
If you are reducing any medication, get a Dr’s support and at any time have the dose you was at ready to take if you need it.
It’s not a failure if you try, try again.
#squishysays #keeptalkingMH #sharemystory