So here it comes, without me really realizing it, I am going to turn 30 in a couple of weeks. My journey of mental instability began at the tender age of 14/15 and its only over the last 6 months that I have felt more balanced and safe in my head than ever before. I had always felt that I wanted to be well or at least in recovery before I hit 30’s.
I’m pleased with the progress of my Mental Health since beginning treatment. I’m pleased that after 6 months I’ve managed to pull myself out of a dark year long depression and the medication takes away mostly my thoughts and racing head, ups and downs and instability. I do have some anxiety but that’s pretty normal. It is harder to feel emotions I admit, they’re dulled a tad from the meds, but from having them overwhelm me all my life its like a million pound lottery win. Being able to go about my day to day function without being harassed and bullied by my mental health is liberating for me.
I know there is still much more to do. I haven’t engaged properly in therapy for a long time with being so scatty, unwell and all over the place. I’m not thinking everything is peachy but I do have positive feelings that encourage my thought that perhaps, just perhaps there is a way out. I won’t always have to be trapped with those experiences that I couldn’t control. They were OUT of control and I didn’t have a grasp at all. Coming to terms with this and being diagnosed as Bipolar has changed my outlook and view of life entirely. I can’t live like I used too as that’s a death sentence for me.
I’m now able to work through things like never before. Settling on medication has brought me stability as I slowly begin to work through all the parts of me that I considered broken. Personality issues don’t fade just because your medicated. You can just handle it better. I’m still unsure, I wait for the drop to come. Surely I couldn’t be this balanced for that long? How is it I’m still okay? I don’t want to die, and I’m leaning toward wellness rather than the familiarity of depression dragging me down into its depths and trying to keep me there. Id just become used to how this black lava infiltrated my soul… This was my home.
So for now I vote out of the black hole, the dog, the darkness, whatever you want to call it and I know it will return but this time I will manage it it better and every time henceforth I will manage it better. I’m sure if it grabs me I might feel different but the main change is that I will be striving to make it to the light again, reaching and clawing to get back to where I now know is a balanced place. Where I can feel positive feelings again. Where there is hope.
I used to feel hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless with my mind driving me insane and no hope for the future. Not even hope that I’d survive the next year and vowed if it happens again I’m done. No more… I couldn’t cope. Where there is no hope, there is no fight.
I have hope now. Slowly and surely it begins to work its way around my neurons and injunction with my therapy and medication combination I’m doing well and getting better slowly. My recovery now gives me hope and I hold onto that like gold. My lifeline.
I feel like it gets better.
Never give up.
Found this very informative and helpful xxx
Please note: This is a blog entry that talks about my personal experience, and what has worked best for me, one human being. I am not an objective authority, I am not a doctor. I am a person with bipolar disorder who is successfully managing it in the way that works best for me. What works best for you may be different. I am in no way endorsing one specific treatment plan or ideology — I am simply sharing my experiences.
When I was first diagnosed, I had an appetite for all things bipolar. I read countless books, articles, blogs, and whatever else I could get my hands on. I think this is because when I was diagnosed, I felt helpless. It was like standing at the bottom of an immense cliff, looking up and realizing that I had an entire mountain to scale. “Where do I begin?” I wondered…
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Changes since the start of treatment for Bipolar & Personality disorder.
6 months period.
First 3 months fantastic, very high motivated, lots of energy, up at 8pm regardless of when I took my Quetiapine, elated and happy with relief from the lift of the depression I’d been stuck in for a year and the relentless obsessions. Then a week of irritability came just as I visited my Psych and then 6 weeks roughly of depression came after (however manageable) which resulted in withdrawal from usual activities, loss of pleasure in normal activities, remained in bed for most of the day every day and found showering impossible. I found socialising to be extremely difficult, draining and exhausting. During this period my anxiety and panic was also very alert. I was unable to cope with much without needing to retreat and be alone again then a mood change came. It felt like I began to move away from the depression toward feeling a bit brighter and more lifted but not as high as before, more balanced.
In this space I am very tired and lethargic but without depressive thoughts or intrusive racing ones. My interests settle around thinking of ways to be creative with the kitchen, or trawling websites to find something I want, or searching for cars because my new current obsession is wanting to be able to drive and achieve that from a failure years ago. I work on my balance all the time and make decisions that are right for me in this space. I feel relatively normal but always with some anxiety not far behind.
I feel like I am on a balancing arm. Watching my behaviour and mood and feeling able making rational good decisions with slow precision and trying/wanting to move forward and closer to understanding and being ‘well.’ But absolutely petrified also. The last thing I want is to become unbalanced, being unbalanced makes me feel very unwell because I’ve given into the depression. Not understanding this condition for so many years has caused me to feel like giving into my depression is familiar and a coping strategy so trying to change that in my head is like telling me the sky is yellow!
I need therapy for this. Therapy that will teach me the way you ‘should’ feel. How you should feel toward depression and mental illness. Essentially how do I fight it because I want so badly for it to go away and being on top of something all the time is draining leaving not much else for anything else.
I’m able to make small decisions toward helping me get back on my feet and evaluate my behaviour and not explode anywhere near as much as before, if at all. Lots of paranoid thinking has been diminished. I often wonder why I’m not exploding but that’s because rational thinking is now taking place as I’ve been lifted out the hole I was in. Im able to retain information and my memory has improved and I feel shocked to think of how badly I’d gotten over 15 years, 4 big episodes, 3 rapid cycling before I was treated and diagnosed as Bipolar.
Currently I am feeling balanced. Only sensations of irritability or emotion have come from the change in pill (combined to Yasmin pill) I know when these are a direct effect from my hormones swirling around. When it’s unmanaged you can’t see the difference and being able to point these differences out now is very empowering.
I think I have a lot of things to catch up on and relearn over the next 6 months. It’s been an eclectic decade for me but I’m sincerely hoping that the next one will be much calmer and dare I say it. Balanced and full of achievement.
Never give up. Have faith.
I have put over 3 stone since I’ve started to take quetiapine. It has such an effect on my hunger that I eat endlessly and in the middle of the night. I’ve just taken control of my mental health and stopped spinning out of control. Now I’ve got some control. I’ve awoke From my depression and I’m huge.
Of course it’s my responsibility to keep an eye on my food intake but I’ve genuinely felt it impossible to do so. I’ve been on them for almost 6 months and I’m only just now starting to feel my condition isnt hopeless and have had a few days where I’ve felt positive toward the future.
In the new year and whilst waiting for spring to come upon us I’m going to work on my intake and add in some gentle exercise to get myself going and be able to try and shift some of the weight otherwise it will eat away at my self esteem and confidence and defy the whole point of recovery. For me anyway.
So here’s to a cleaner much healthier future to add in amongst all the personal battles I’m fighting. I’m feeling stronger and so hope this holds out enough for me to gain some strength and get onto my feet properly.
I aced Christmas. First time for everything. 🙂
I cant just let go anymore. Being out of my routine for this christmas period is proving to be harder than i anticipated. The extra socialising, the difficult small talk, witholding eye contact in a conversation. Im glad i brought my laptop with my excel sheet of bills and outgoings to keep me feeling in control of my life. Not being ontop of these can send me into a bad place. They are an anchor to my responsibilitys.
Christmas is a time of joy and laughter and i do feel christmassy. I managed to finish my shopping by a few days ago and have been finished and now just waiting for the big day. I can’t wait to see their faces!
Its hard for me to put on a front to everyone else outside my pride when daily functioning is a hard struggle. I love christmas but it takes it out of me at the moment. Leaves me feeling like im unable to be with the world still. Still not on my feet but so close.
Im looking forward to 2017. I really want it to be my year.
My best year yet.