Over the month of January I felt like I was in such an uncomfortable position. Nothing to do, bored beyond belief at days with no appointments and a descending depression that dug its heels in and made me feel like I’d never be rid of mental health issues.
Reflecting back since the beginning of taking my meds, now 7 months ago I can honestly say that I’m well on my road to recovery. In comparison to before, I did nothing. Couldn’t interact with other people and even struggled with my friends and family. I didn’t want to go out, for fun, pleasure or need. I lost 6 stone during my last episode and became a person that couldn’t even handle feeling another emotion from another person even if they were just telling me a story. I couldn’t sleep, I would have nightmares and the anxiety level was excruciating resulting in me not being able to eat barely at all. I couldn’t shower very often as my skin was so afraid of being raw and naked, the sensation of water on my skin was like pins. I was irritable beyond belief and caused many arguments with people due to my own out of control mental health. I left a community that I once called home and isolated myself to a point of detriment.
Over the last couple of weeks I have begun to lift and feel better. I take my meds everyday, and I ensure that I’m eating and showering. Although since taking medication I have re-put on the 6 stone that I lost and so am left with being much heavier than I ever wanted to be but the good thing is that even though I go down and dip. I always seem to come back up without the disaster trail that followed me wherever I went in my 20’s.
All I ask for is to be able to function and live properly like others. I don’t mind handling my own health when it crops up, but its much easier to accept now that I no longer feel like I’m making up an illness I couldn’t cope with. My personality disorder has always made me feel like It’s a fault with me. I am a failure and since being diagnosed with Bipolar alongside I have slowly begun to battle the critical voice in my head that still attempts to make me believe I am nothing, worthless and better of dead.
I will always write whether I am balanced or not. It’s better for me to get it out here and with therapists than it ever is to let it go to family. I’ve learnt over the last couple of years that everything I love WONT dissapear if I manage myself. This has been a hard lesson to understand. Taking responsibility for my own issues, caused by me or illness.
I don’t ever want to lose the people who care for me, and so now when I can, I work on it.
What else can you do?
I’m lucky to have my girlfriend of 5 years to still be here after I landed in reality. I am lucky also to have a relationship that helps aid the personality issues that I have. An ageplay relationship where I’m able to lean and love like a child would a father. My Daddy, (non sexual) takes care of me when needed and I couldn’t of asked for more to help me in the days that my brain decides to bring everything up and make me feel like a vulnerable child. I’m not sure if I could have got a handle on everything without her.
Getting a grip on life like I wish I’d been able too at 18. Saying that I’d never have met the beautiful people I have in my life that support and help me where needed. I can only hope that I can grow enough to be as much in return. To give something back.